


sunshine and coffee cups

by WelcomeToTheBadlands (orphan_account)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Blushing, Demisexual Rey (Star Wars), Demisexuality, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Meet-Cute, Muteness, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Praise Kink, References to Depression, Selectively Mute Ben Solo, Shy Ben Solo, Shyness, Social Anxiety, Soft Ben Solo, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trust me theres a lot more fluff than it sounds like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 09:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21072737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/WelcomeToTheBadlands
Summary: Rey's by no means a social butterfly. She doesn't get most cues and never seems to know when someone's flirting with her.Ben is pretty much mute, and goes to Coruscant Coffee every time she has a shift, always wanting to talk to her but always being way too anxious to say anything at all. And then one day, she writes her phone number on his coffee cup and everything changes.**ABANDONED**





	1. and so we meet

**Author's Note:**

> yo, if you want to support a broke college student who has a lot of debt, consider donating at ko-fi.com/carinamanning
> 
> If you leave your tumblr url or ao3 handle I will write you a one shot as thanks

Rey was always on the verge of a breakdown. The life of a college student working odd jobs constantly was like that, and it only seemed to get worse when she was laid off from her second and third job and could barely afford her apartment.  “Look at this as a blessing,” Finn would say, “every day I see you, you’re so stressed. Now you have enough time to take to yourself. Ask Maz or  Jyn to increase your hours, you know that they’ll help you out. Maz and  Jyn co-owned  Coruscant Coffee shop on the edge of Main and  Corellia .  They were both some of the kindest bosses that Rey had ever had, but that didn’t stop her from being nervous about getting her hours increased. Finn ended up mentioning it to Maz and Rey got called i nto the back. 

“I heard about your situation.” Maz said. 

“I was going to talk to you about that, but I haven’t had time yet,” She was a rambler, she was used to just word vomiting everything out, especially when she was  stressed. Maz held a hand up, sign for her to shut up. 

“You’ve been working here for two years, and you’ve been a great employee. So,  I’m raising your pay to fifteen dollars an hour. ” 

“Are you sure that you can afford that?” 

“Yes, Rey. We can.  So you’ll keep your hours the way that they are, that way you can focus on your studies and  keep working.” 

“Thank you,”   


“Now get back to work,” 

“Thank you, Maz. Really.” 

“No problem, sweetie. Next time you’re having a problem, just talk to me okay?” Rey  nodded and got back to work. Feeling some of the weight lifted off her shoulder. 

**

He started coming at the same time every morning shift that Rey had, and he would never talk. Rey noticed him, even though she never really made the time to notice customers. He was more imposing than all the rest. Tall and  definitely big . She was n’t sure what to focus on. His magnificent hair or the fact that  he always fumbled awkwardly when he came to order. 

He never spoke, just handed her a piece of paper with his order on it. She would just nod, tell him his total and he would pay. Rey had a habit of drawing little things on people’s coffee cups. Putting little notes like,  _ I hope you’re having a good day,  _ or  just adorning the cup with little flowers. She always put some  extra work into the drawings on his cups. She liked seeing him smile as he took his cup to the corner of the shop and opened his backpack. He’d read a chapter of whatever book had captivated his interest and finish his coffee, then awkwardly wave at her before throwing the cup out and leaving. 

“God, that man is hot.” Rose said as she  filled the next customer order. “And obviously has a crush on you.” Rey rolled her eyes. 

“He does not,” 

“God, you’re oblivious about everything.” 

“You can’t say that he has a crush on me when he’s never even said a word to me.” 

“He doesn’t come in here when you’re not on shift Rey. He knows your schedule, comes in, chances  looks at you when you’re not over there drooling  over him, and he always smiles and takes pictures of the drawings you put on his cups before he leaves. He likes you. Besides, maybe he’s deaf and just doesn’t know if you know sign language. Or maybe he’s awkward. But he likes you.” 

“He probably just likes the fact that I don’t try to talk to him a lot,” Rey said. 

“Oh my god, you’re hopeless. I swear. Finn and I have been saying you need to talk to the poor guy already. We know you like him.” Rose was right. Rey did like him. In fact, watching him was the highlight of her day. She liked watching him focus on something so hard that it was like all other noises in the world didn’t exist. She liked how calm he looked, maybe because she was always so frantic and busy that she didn ’t know how to be calm. 

“Fine,” She said, “maybe I do. And I’ll talk to him next time we see each other, but I can guarantee you that you’re wrong.” 

“I guarantee that you’re a dumbass.”  Rey rolled her eyes and wished that Ben came in multiple times a day. That would pass the time much more easily. But it was a routine. 

She had to wait until her next morning shift to see him. 

**

The next day she saw him, she wondered if something was wrong. He looked like hadn’t gotten enough sleep, but then again neither did Rey. Maybe he was upset about something?  So she took a chance when he came up with his order. “Are you okay?” She asked. He wasn’t looking her in the eye, although he never did.  Maybe Rose was  right and he was deaf? She tried signing and he just stared at her. Then, typed something on his phone.  _ Not deaf, mute, anxiety issues, sorry. _ “Oh,” She tried not to make it sound like it was a big deal . He was already blushing  furiously and Rey didn’t want to embarrass him further. “That’s cool.” 

She took a chance and glanced at his card.  _ Ben. _ “I assume you know your total already,”  He nodded. Rey gave him his receipt and then said, “I’ll have your order out in a minute, Ben.” She assumed that he nodded, because Rey had turned her back at that point and started making his order. He had three favorite drinks that he always went between. Today it was a Chai Tea Latte with a  few shots of vanilla. Rey ended up doing something stupid. 

She wrote her phone number on the cup and called him up.  She watched him take it and smiled at him. He shyly returned the smile back. Every once and a while, she would look back at him, wondering if he had seen the phone number yet. 

Wondering if she had been too forward and if she was going to chase him away. 

She was never very great at reading that sort of thing. 

She hoped that he’d talk to her, but she started to doubt that he would. She watched when he finally noticed, he looked up from his book to take a sip of his tea and then he looked at the cup, brought it closer as he adjusted his reading glasses, and then blush ed. Rey looked away, so she didn’t see if he had looked  back at her. 

**

It was a full day before Rey heard from him. She got in her bed after she finished her homework and a ding came up on her phone from an unknown number. 

** Unknown:  ** Hey, this is Ben from Coruscant

** Unknown:  ** I’ve been trying to figure out how to initiate conversation, sorry that I didn’t text you sooner

Rey immediately went to change the unknown number to Ben. The pause might have made Ben panic a bit because the next text that she got was; 

** Unknown:  ** this is the right phone number right?

** Rey:  ** yeah! Sorry, I was just putting you in my contacts  😊

** Ben:  ** Oh good, sorry

** Rey:  ** I was beginning to wonder if I chased you away or smth

** Rey:  ** bein too forward and shit

** Rey:  ** glad you texted me

** Ben:  ** im sorry, as you can tell  im not great at interacting with people

** Ben:  ** and no you def didn’t chase me off

** Ben:  ** people don’t usually try to go out of their way to try to communicate with me

Something about that text made Rey’s heart hurt a little bit. She bit her lip and pulled the covers up closer to her, wondering what she was supposed to answer to that. 

** Rey:  ** I cant imagine why

** Rey:  ** I've wanted to talk to you for awhile

** Ben is typing...  **

** Ben is typing...  **

He stopped typing. 

** Ben is typing...  **

** Ben:  ** Really?

** Rey:  ** yeah but I never wanted to alarm you 

** Rey:  ** I tend to talk  waaay too much and it can be super annoying and overwhelming to some people so I just kind of kept to working and let you do your thing

Rey was halfway through typing, ‘I like watching you read.’ when she realized how creepy that sounded. 

** Ben:  ** well from what little I know of you I don’t think youre annoying

She wanted to ask this man out. 

She also didn’t want to give him a heart attack. Why did she have to go for the anxious ones? 

** Rey:  ** aw,,, babe that’s sweet

** Rey:  ** you’re cute

** Ben is typing...  **

Oh, now he was really going to have a heart attack. Rey bit her lip, hoping that she wasn’t too forward for a second time. 

** Ben:  ** sure lol

There was a small lull in the conversation before Ben said, 

** Ben:  ** so what should we do now

Rey told him that they should learn some more about each other. Then, when he didn’t respond she volunteered stuff herself. She told him that she was double majoring in education and English. She wanted to learn to teach deaf  kids but she probably was going to have to change to a different major because she could barely afford anything. She told him her fav orite color was green and that she lived nature and museums and pillow forts. She wasn’t sure if she was being overwhelming, but she wanted someone to talk to. 

Oversharing was a bitch. 

Maybe she did finally chase him off. 

** Ben:  ** there’s not really much to tell about me, not that interesting

** Ben:  ** I work at home and basically only go out to get groceries or go get coffee so 

** Rey:  ** what’s your favorite color

** Ben:  ** Red

**

Ben was cursing himself for not being good at talking to people. He hated the fact that he would take so long to figure out what to say, but he wasn’t used to interacting with people in the slightest bit. He was still trying to recover from the fact that he had gotten Rey’s phone number in the first place. 

This never happened to him, never. 

He was being a dumbass about it though. He just needed to follow her lead and let the conversation go as normal. 

** Ben:  ** what kind of green do you like

_ What the fuck kind of question was that?  _

** Rey:  ** forest green

** Rey:  ** like the type of green you would see when you’re wandering thru an old wood, and everything’s dark and mystical and stuff

** Ben:  ** ah now it is apparent that you’re an  English major lol

He hoped that that wasn’t rude.  He meant it as a joke.

** Rey:  ** lol 

** Rey:  ** yes I can also be pretentious, so 

** Rey:  ** got any pets

** Ben:  ** unfortunately no, I wish tho

** Rey:  ** there’s this stray dog that I always feed when he passes my apartment

** Rey:  ** but I don’t have any either, against apartment rules

Their conversation  continued on until midnight before Rey told him that she had to go to sleep because she had her shift tomorrow. He apologized profusely for keeping her  up but it didn’t seem to bother her. Then the texts stopped, and B en found himself staring at the conversation for another hour before he could start to think of sleep at all. 

**

The next time Rey saw him, he was smiling, and he  actually looked her in the eyes. She grabbed his paper from him and said before looking down at the paper. “Let me guess, today you want an Iced Vanilla Mocha?”  He was starting to blush as she said that. The look on his face said,  _ Do I really come here that  _ _ often? _ _ _ God, he looked so cute when he blushed. She looked down at the paper. “Damn, I’m a fuckin’ psychic. Isn’t that  right, Rose?” Rose gave her a look that told her that she needed to ask him out. 

Rey’s turn to blush. She turned and watched as Ben gave her the exact amount for the coffee and then stuffed a  twenty-dollar bill in the tip jar. Her eyes widened.  He didn’t have to do that. He was going to turn to go sit down before Rey said, “Hey, Ben? Do you think you could stay until I’m done with my shift?” 


	2. flirting's delicious, proved to be benificial for mental health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is shit lol

_ “If you don’t speak, you won’t be a functioning member of society.” This was something most of his teachers told him often. Trying to help, maybe. But Ben just couldn’t bring himself to speak. _ _ At first, he would tell himself because it was just because he didn’t feel like it. But his therapist said that he had repressed memories that needed to be brought to life to explain him not speaking. _

_ Ben didn’t want to remember though. _

_ So _ _ he just stopped trying when his mother forced him to go to therapy. _

** 

Ben’s eyes widened. Rey repeated her question. “Could you stay? I mean, I get off in an hour and thirty minutes and I would really like to spend some time with you. I mean, if you want to of course.” Why couldn’t he just not be so pathetic? It was just embarrassing. He nodded vigorously and turned on his heels, going to sit down at his usual place. Except he found himself not able to grab his bag and open it to get his book. His hands were just shaking. He took a few deep breaths in, and a few deep breaths out. He almost didn’t notice that Rey had come up from behind the counter with his coffee, and a cup of ice water as well. She set it down on the table next to him and smiled. ‘_ Caffeine isn’t good if you’re having anxiety,’ _The look she gave him said. 

God, this girl. He blushed, hoping that she didn’t think that he was pathetic because the littlest bit of communication gave him anxiety. She probably already thought that, though. Why was he doing this again? 

He took the water first and drank almost all of it by the time that she had returned back to the counter. He was definitely done by the time that Rey started serving another customer. By the time he was done with both his coffee and his water, he had gone to the bathroom five times and barely touched his book. Time seemed to go by so fast and so slow at the same time, but Ben waited. 

He told her that he would stay. 

** 

Ben got asked out to the school dance in middle school. He didn’t even like the girl that asked him like that, but he still waited for her when she asked, because he thought that maybe he had found a friend. 

When Rey got off, she was relieved that Ben was still there. She took her phone out of her purse and smiled, turning it on just in case Ben wanted to text her things. “Hey, sorry for the wait.” He just blushed. _ Fuck, he was so cute. _“Glad you waited for me,” She motioned for him to go outside with her. He followed along, silently lumbering after her. “So, I had time to think about where we could go, and there’s a few art museums around here. I know one that’s out of the way if you want to go. Does that sound good?” He nodded. “Did you drive here?” He nodded again. 

“We can take your car or my car,” Rey said, “although my car is a piece of shit,” Ben motioned towards her car. A black Range Rover from the latest year. _ Damn that is not cheap, what does he do for a living? “ _You can just drop me back off here later, yeah?” He nodded and watched Rey take a picture of the car and the license plate before getting in the front seat. 

The two of them pulled out as Rey sent a text to Rose letting her know where she was. They didn’t really talk at all on the ride there, Rey gave Ben some instructions on where to go but that was it. It was mostly silent. 

She had so many questions that she wanted to him, but the fear of being overwhelming was getting in the way. She smiled and just watched him as they pulled into the parking lot and they stopped. Ben started typing into his phone once they had parked. Rey turned to her messages. 

** Ben: **I can pay for whatever fees there are for the both of us 

“That’s sweet.” Rey said. “But you don’t have to do that, I get seventy-five percent off of my admission fee with my student ID.” 

** Ben: **sorry I forgot to ask how old you are 

** Ben: **I don’t want to be a creep 

“I’m twenty, gonna be twenty-one soon.” He nodded. “How old are you?” 

** Ben: **just turned thirty 

** Ben: **is that okay? 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” He didn’t say anything, and Rey giggled a little bit. “Now come on, lets go.” Ben still ended up covering the twenty-five percent of her admission, even though she told him that he really didn’t have to do that. He blushed profusely, and she took his hand as they entered an exhibit filled with Greco-Roman esque sculptures. Something about holding his hand was so calming, any anxiety she had originally had about doing this washed away. 

The two of them stopped before each piece in the exhibit, stare at it for a little, and then moved on. They ended up in an exhibit filled with naturistic paintings. They stopped in front of a Monet of a some lillies in the water and stayed there a little longer than normal. Rey decided to overshare, “I used to be in the foster system,” She told him. 

She could feel his eyes staring at her so intensely. “The only good place I had ever been, this woman loved Monet so much.” She could feel him give her a look that said, _ what happened to her? “ _She died of lung cancer when I was fifteen and I got taken to another family.” His grip on her hand tightened. She smiled and pulled him along to the next piece. 

** 

The museum was magical. Or at least, Ben thought so. He hoped that Rey didn’t get too bored of it, when she would only hear her voice. He dropped her off to get back to her car and she wrapped her arms around her after he parked. _ Deep breaths, Ben. Deep breaths. _Maybe she noticed that the sudden physical contact may have alarmed him. “Sorry.” 

He typed into his phone. 

_ Don’t be, you’re great at hugs. _She smiled and bid him farewell. He watched her leave before he pulled out himself. He wished that she had stayed longer. Still, he was happy that the two of them had gotten any time together at all. 

** 

It was ten at night when Ben finally texted Rey back. 

** Ben: **I had a really good time 

** Rey: **good, im glad 

She smiled to herself, almost hard enough to make her cheeks hurt. 

** Rey: **I wasn’t sure if you did or not 

** Ben is typing... **

** Ben: **sorry 

** Ben: **I really did 

** Ben: **sorry 

** Rey: **what are you apologizing for, babe 

** Ben is typing... **

** Ben is typing... **

No response. Rey bit her lip and stared at her screen for a little. 

** Rey: **I had a fun time with you too? I have a test I have to study for next week, but how about we go out next saturday? 

** Ben is typing... **

It took seven minutes for him to ask one simple question. This poor man. 

** Ben: **are you sure you want to go with me anywhere again? You weren’t bored? I know im not company so I wont hold it against you if you don’t want to 

** Rey: **Ben, I can promise you that you are enough company for me. And I liked going out with you, it was really nice. Plus I really want an excuse to hold your hand again, that was really great. 

** Ben: **oh 

Rey wasn’t sure what that meant. Oh? Did he not realize that they were going out on a date? What was that supposed to mean? 

** Rey: **do I make you nervous 

** Rey: **because if I do 

** Rey: **we don’t have to go out again and I promise I won’t hold anything against you 

Ben responded immediately this time. 

** Ben: **you do make me nervous 

** Ben: **but like, in a good way 

** Ben: **god I don’t know if that makes sense but I really enjoyed spending time with you 

Ben was typing several more times, almost sent something, and then deleted it before Rey can see it. She had a feeling he was going to say something that he regretted, so she didn’t press him on the message he was about to send. 

** Rey: **so random question 

** Rey: **but how would you feel if I randomly started sending you pictures of dogs 

** Ben: **I would literally love that more than anything else 

** Ben: **I could return those with some renaissance painting memes 

Rey wasn’t sure that she could get any more attracted to this man, but here she was, blushing into her sheets like she was some schoolgirl. 

** Rey: **what a weird niche 

** Rey: **kind of love it tho 

The next few shifts Rey took, Ben was there. They would chance looks at each other and smile and blush. Rose would tease Rey a bit and Rey would just blush a deeper red than she did before. She started drawing hearts on Ben’s cups. Messages like, ‘see you soon’ or remarking on something cute he did became a regular occurrence. And when Rey wasn’t on shift, she would send Ben as many cute dog pictures as she could find. 

He would send her renaissance paintings memes, splashing in with some Vines and only say, ‘this was relatable’. Rey couldn’t wait until Saturday, but she realized that neither of them had really thought of what they were going to do that Saturday. 

** Rey: **ok so I was wondering where we could go and there’s this really neat park near my apartment and I was wondering if you wanted to go on a walk 

** Rey: **or if you aren’t into that sort of thing you could always come back to my place 

** 

Ben wasn’t sure what he was reading until the fourth time that he read it. _ You could always come back to my place. _ Ben sat in his living room, frozen. _ Come back to my place. _He sat his phone down and sat down. For a minute, he just felt numb. He didn’t notice that he was swaying back and forth in his place. His chest hurt. 

Then he realized that he wasn’t breathing. _ Calm down, Ben. Calm down. _She was just suggesting that if he didn’t want to go on a walk. Ben almost told her that he didn’t think that it was a good idea to do this thing that they were going to do Saturday, but he sucked it up, gripping at the edge of the sofa as he looked back at his phone. 

** Rey: **that’s only an if you want to come my place 

** Rey: **that wasn’t a ‘i’m asking you for sex sort of thing’ 

** Rey: **that was a ‘let’s get drunk and play jenga’ sort of thing 

** Rey: **sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable 

** Rey: **I really don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, fuck 

Oh. 

Oh god. He knew that he needed to answer, but he wasn’t sure what to say. 

** Ben: **a walk sounds amazing 

** Ben: **just give me an address and time 

**

Ben didn’t know what Rey wanted from him. 

Saturday came, and they were just walking through the park, holding hands. She didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure if she was having a good time at all, and he felt bad. He wanted to open his mouth, to say that he really liked having his time with her, but when he was about to, he remembered something that he didn’t want to remember. ‘ _ Fucking god, Solo. Are you a retard? You’re always stuttering all the time. No wonder your mother’s ashamed of you.’  _

_ _ No, he didn’t want to think about him right now. He wanted to think about Rey, so that was what he was going to think about. He took out his pho ne and typed into it,  _ How was your day?  _

_ “ _ It was really great,” She said. “I didn’t have work today and class was cancelled so I just got to freak out about coming here and seeing you all day.” Why would she be freaking out about going to see him? 

Rey  bit her lip and stared at him for a while. Sunlight hit her skin in such a way that Ben could feel his  heart start to beat faster. Why was she here? Why was she doing this? This had to be some sort of cruel joke. 

“You’re really cute when you blush, you know that right?” Ben started to blush more. God, damn him. Rey giggled a little bit. “And your hair is like, fucking perfect. I know I’ve said it before, but it looks really good today and you’re making me jealous for  just putting my hair in a shitty bun.” He smiled. 

He could listen to her compliment him every day. Ben typed into his phone,  _ I think your hair is great too.  _

“Oh yeah?” Rey asked. “Well thank you,” She mock flipped her hair over her  shoulder, and they kept walking. He wanted to tell her that everything about her was great, but he wasn’t sure if he should yet.  _ Just enjoy the rest of whatever this is, Ben. Don’t think about saying that sort of shit yet.  _


	3. i know it makes you nervous, but i promise you it's worth it

The two of them went on a walk and then stopped on a bench to watch the fall leaves drop to the ground. The two of them sat for a while and Rey brought out her phone. “Do you want to listen to some music?” 

He nodded, watching Rey’s face light up a little as she plugged in her earbuds, and gave one to Ben.  Rey put on some cover of  a Hozier song. Ben was pretty sure that it was Like Real People Do, but he wasn’t sure because he hadn’t listened to a Hozier song for such a long time. 

They just sat there and held hands and watched the park, and it was good. It was  really good . Ben could hear a small stream running not far off. Birds chirped in the trees and children playing not far off.  Rey sat there right next him, her finger absent mindedly tracing circles into his hand. 

_ What did he do to deserve this? Really.  _ Rey was perfect. 

She was really perfect. 

He wished that they could stay like this forever. 

**

The first time that Rey had been evaluated by a social worker, they immediately sent her to a child  psychologist, and she was diagnosed with depression. She didn’t remember much about how that started, but she remembered getting put on medication at a very early age. That didn’t mean that she always took it. 

She also knew what it was like to lay in bed all day and feel like you couldn’t do anything. Today, she was supposed to go in for a shift. She had to get up and go in. 

** Rey:  ** I really don’t want to go into work today

** Rose:  ** are you okay? 

No. She wasn’t. 

** Rey:  ** I'll make it. 

She went in that day, feeling tired as all hell, even though she knew that she had slept for more than eight hours.  When she saw Ben today, she guessed that he could tell that something was wrong, because he just raised an eyebrow when she took his order without  really even looking at him. Sh e called out his order and he took it before she even realized that she hadn’t drawn something on it.  _ Maybe he wouldn’t notice?  _ She was having a bad day. 

“You okay?” Rose asked her when she came back to her place on the register. 

“I’m existing, aren’t I?” Rey said. 

“You’re just – I don’t know, are you okay?” 

“Stop asking me that question?” It was starting to get annoying. She just wanted to dissociate from everything and black out the rest of her shift, which she seemed to do so well  that she didn’t even notice when Ben left. She honestly didn’t even remember getting home. She just remembered getting to her bed again and then just  fell asleep. Her next few shifts went on like this, until one day Ben didn’t come in on her shift. 

“You  waiting for tall quiet guy?” Rose asked. 

“His name is Ben,” 

“Yeah. But are you waiting for him?” 

“Yeah, there’s three minutes left in my shift and he’s still not here.” 

“Have you texted him?” 

“Today?” 

“No, I mean at all this week.” 

Fuck. 

“I’m going to take that as a no,”

“I can’t fucking – ugh – I am a literal dumbass.” 

“Text him,” 

“I’m working, Rose.” 

“Then text him in two minutes and forty-five seconds.”  Rey didn’t end up texting him until he got home. But Rey knew that she had to , but she wasn’t sure what she should say. 

** Rey:  ** _ I missed you at work today  _

_ You okay?  _

She waited another ten minutes before she looked back at h er phone. 

** Ben:  ** _ hey sorry _

_ Yeah  _ _ im _ _ good _

** Rey:  ** _ oh that’s good _

_ Thought that you were sick  _ _ bc _ _ you usually come in on my shift _

_ And I didn’t see you _

** Ben:  ** _ im _ _ sorry _

_ But im ok  _

_ Sorry _

** Rey:  ** _ no need to apologize _

_ U ok? _

** Ben:  ** _ I just thought that I did something wrong and I thought that maybe you did  _ _ nt _ _ want to see me because you were annoyed with me or smth _

_ Idk  _

_ It doesn’t really matter _

_ If you are annoyed with me, I get it _

Rey felt like she wanted to cry. She felt like such a bad person right now. 

** Rey:  ** _ im _ _ not annoyed with you ben _

_ But I think I know why you would think that  _

Rey sighed. Was this oversharing for a man that she didn’t know all too well? Probably. But  she was  lonely and she didn’t have many other people to talk to. 

_ I have really bad depression _

_ I’m medicated and mental illness isn’t an excuse to act shitty to people but I've been going through an episode right now and haven’t been feeling great and I've just been really stressed but I real _ _ ly like you a lot and you’re the best part of my day and I really like seeing you  _

_ Every time I see you I feel happy and that’s not usually the case for me _

** Ben is typing...  **

** Ben is typing...  **

** Ben is typing...  **

** Ben:  ** _ I feel like an absolute dumbass _

_ Im _ _ sorry _

** Rey:  ** _ no please don’t be babe, seriously _

She sat down on her couch for a while before she said. 

** Rey:  ** _ can I see you tonight,  _ _ im _ _ alone  _ _ rn _ _ and I really just want to see you _

** Ben:  ** _ you want to come over _

Woah. 

Rey didn’t think that he would ask her that, but she immediately said yes. 

** Ben:  ** _ im _ _ making spaghetti if you’d like  _

** Rey:  ** _ really? That sounds a m a z in g  _

_ Send me the address _

They lived ten minutes away from each other. 

** Rey:  ** _ ill _ _ be there in ten _

**

Ben usually wouldn’t tell people where he lived without having a panic attack, but he had brought way too many ingredients to make for just him and he didn’t want to have spaghetti for the next several days after that. Plus, Rey was nice. 

She was nice and they hadn’t had a date since the park. 

He missed her voice and her smile. He had been so worried that she was acting standoffish because she got bored of him.  _ She didn’t get bored of him, though.  _ She was coming over there to his house and he was making spaghetti and holy shit- 

The doorbell rang. Ben ran for the door and opened it, nearly tripping over himself as he did so.  When he saw Rey smiling from ear to ear as she stared up at him,  all of those anxieties he had in his head went away. “Hi,” She said. “It’s good to see you.” He nodded in agreement and immediately started blushing.  _ God, wh _ _ y did he have to do that?  _ He motioned for her to come in and she did, looking around his apartment. She instantly seemed to flock to large bookcases that Ben had next to his television . “Holy shit, if I knew you had so many  books I would’ve asked to come over a lot sooner.” 

She marveled over them for a few minutes before asking Ben if she could help at all. Ben shook his head no, and she sighed. “Suit yourself,” She said, “but I can tell you for sure that I can’t wait. I’m starving.” 


	4. cuddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! next one will be longer, I swear,,,,

Rey quickly learned that Ben was the best cook ever. She practically inhaled her spaghetti when he served her, looking up when she was done to see that he still hadn’t finished. He was kind of staring at her while toying with his food, a slight smile on her face. Rey found herself blushing. She swore that she usually didn’t do that. “What?” 

He just shook his head and went back to his food. The two of them finished and Rey asked if they could move to the couch, watching TV with space in between them. Rey wanted desperately to close the gap. It was bugging her, plus he looked like he would be good at cuddling. She scooted a little bit closer. “Can I put my head on your shoulder?” She got a little grunt and nod, complete with him flushing pink, and Rey smiled. 

God, he was so cute. 

“We should do this more often,” She closed her eyes as she lay against him, feeling all the better now that she had properly eaten. The TV provided some background noise for her, keeping her awake enough to not fall asleep on him. It was hard not to want to, though. He was warm as fuck. Rey stayed there for a few minutes before she became increasingly aware that she might’ve gone too far and be making him uncomfortable. She sat upright. 

“Sorry,” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Am I making you uncomfortable? And don’t say that I’m not making you uncomfortable just because you don’t want to make me upset. Is this okay, I—?” The words died in her mouth when Ben typed into his phone. 

** Ben: ** _ rey _ _ , I'm comfortable _

“Okay,” She said, nodding to herself. She kept nodding as she laid her head on his side and focused on the TV. She wasn’t even sure what they were watching, and she wasn’t sure that Ben was even paying attention either. 

_ 

Ben received a letter from his mother that he did not open. It was written in a sloppier script than he was used to seeing, rushed perhaps. He threw it in the trash almost as soon as he saw it in his mailbox. He wasn’t going to let that ruin his morning. 

_ 

The next day, Rey saw Ben when she was on her shift. She smiled when she saw him, watching him blush. The same goofy, almost lopsided grin on his face when he saw her. The two exchanged a glance when she took his order. “Having a good day?” He nodded vigorously and Rey bit her lip. “Good. Wait for me after my shift, yeah?” He nodded again, and Rey proceeded to make his tea, drawing the sun and a few flowers on his cup when she was done and calling his name. When he grabbed it, he signed, ‘thank you’. 

Rey wasn’t sure why that made her so happy. 

Going over to Ben’s became more of a habit. Sometimes she just picked up a book from the shelf and would read to him as he watched her. Other times she would try to get closer to him and just talk about his day. He always insisted on cooking her things. It made Rey feel special. 

She wasn’t used to feeling special. 

She liked it. 

“I feel bad for not cooking for you,” She said, “I am unfortunately bad at it.” He just shook his head, as if to say, don’t be. Still. 

_ 

She was grumpy. Ben could tell. 

** Rey: ** _ I want death _

** Ben: ** _ smth wrong? _

** Rey: ** _ the reckoning has started _

** Ben: ** _ lmao what _

** Rey: ** _ the red coats have invaded _

** Ben: ** _ aren’t you british _

_ Oh wait _

_ You're on your period _

** Rey: ** _ yes _

_ Fuck my life _

_ I don’t want to go to work _

_ Don’t want to go to school _

_ Midterms fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee _

** Ben: ** _ :/ _

The next time Ben saw her, he showed up with a big box of chocolate and some extra money for tips. When Rey saw him, she looked like she was about to cry. Did he do something wrong? When he came up in line, her friend said, “Rey, you have the best boyfriend on the face of the planet.” Damn, he was blushing again. Why did he always have to blush so much? He hated it so much. He gave her the paper for his order and the chocolate box. 

“Holy shit, you’re a fucking savior.” 

“Language,” The mother behind him say. 

“Sorry, ma’am.” She just offered Rey an affronted look, but Rey obviously didn’t care. “Thank you,” She told Ben again, “seriously. Thank you so much.” Her smile was all that Ben needed to make his day. Waiting for her to get off her shift was getting harder and harder each day he came to her shop, but he was willing to wait. 

He took in a deep breath as he read, trying to focus on the words of the book he was reading. Hyperfixating on the book to pass the time. He didn’t even notice when Rey had put her apron up until he was tapped on the shoulder. Ben nearly jumped out of his skin, and Rey giggled. “Sorry,” She said. 

He just smiled and got up. “You want to go back to your place?” He nodded. He was used to seeing her there, just to think that a few weeks earlier he was panicking about her actually coming over. Rey never asked him to go to her place, realizing that he wasn’t ready for that yet, and not pushing him to do things that he didn’t want to do. 

He felt lucky, he actually found someone that wasn’t scared by his complete lack of experience with positive touch and affection. They ended up at his place and she immediately wanted to lay down. “I am in so much pain, holy shit.” She popped another chocolate in her mouth as she stared at him. “Can I put my head in your lap?” 

** Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. **

The only thing that came from him as a response was a tiny, pathetic whimper. Fuck, he was so embarrassing. “I don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Part of him wished that he wasn’t so much of a coward. He wished he could just fucking say something, she deserved to hear how much he wanted to touch her from him. She deserved the world and him panicking at every touch was starting to get on his nerves. She got up and put her hand on Ben, interrupting his thoughts. 

“Ben, look at me. Okay?” 

He chanced a glance at her, “If you don’t want me to do it, just shake your head no. I will understand. We don’t do anything you don’t want to do. I will not pressure you to do anything you don’t want to, because it is no fun if you aren’t having fun either. So I’m going to ask you again, can I lay my head down in your lap?” He shook his head no. 

He was terrified of if she really meant what she just said or not. 

“Okay,” There was no look of disappointment in her eyes. She sat up and placed her hand on top of his, and kept it there. “Let’s watch some Netflix.” 

_ 

_ “Come here, boy. Why are you crying?” Mr. Snoke was the principal, and at first, Ben thought that the old man was someone who could be trusted. His mother and father didn’t have time for him, and when Ben got bullied, his uncle didn’t listen when he told him about it. There were only two people that really tried to stop it. The art teacher, a quiet woman named _ _ Amilyn _ _ who had died earlier that year. _

_ Snoke was the only person that was left that cared about him. _

_ Or at least, that’s what Ben thought. _

_ The inappropriate touches they shared started when Ben was ten years old. _

_ Coincidentally, two months later, Ben stopped talking. _

_ 

It was a week later when Ben let her lay down with her head in his lap, and it was a big thing. They had both gone out to the movies together and Rey’s car had broken down. After a few tears and a mini panic attack from her, he just texted her the offer to drive her to his place and she could stay for the night. It was big. 

It was really big. He wasn’t sure that he was ready for it himself, he wasn’t sure if Rey would even agree to it, but he just let it ride out. He trusted Rey. She could stay over for the night if she wanted, she had called in for her car to be taken to the shop and after Rey said that she wouldn’t be able to pay for it, Ben offered to pay for that too. His allowance would certainly allow it, because he never used any of it. 

Rey only said that she would allow that to happen if she could pay him back later. 

Ben agreed to accept repayment later, even though it was somewhat reluctant. 

“You’re so warm.” She muttered as Ben played with her hair. “Fuck, do you work out all the time? Every part of you is perfect.” He didn’t really work out all that much. He had always been so self-conscious about how big he was and how much his personality contrasted his looks. He never thought that he would hear those compliments. The blush that overcame him was hard, and it was fast, and it was all over. He shook a little bit as he tried to will it away. Rey looked up at him. 

The look she gave him was a look that he wished that he wasn’t sure he deserved. God, she was beautiful. “Ben...” The words died on her lips as she stared up at him. He could see something in her mind formulating words, she got up, and Ben found that he missed feeling her on him. “I really like you,” He nodded. “I just – I wanted to know – you feel the same about me right?” He nodded vigorously. 

“Okay,” she said, “good, good. That’s great.” She giggled a little before she asked the question that made Ben feel like had died and gone to heaven. 

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” 


	5. bf gf

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Ben froze, and he thought he must’ve hesitated for too long because Rey said, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He grabbed his phone, his hands shaking, and started typing. 

** Ben:  ** _ sorry, yes  _ _ yes _ _ that would make me so happy sorry I’ve never been asked that before is all sorry  _

_ “ _ You say sorry way too much,” Rey said. Ben was about to type sorry again when Rey laid back down on Ben’s lap, smiling contently. “You’re so comfortable, I love it.” Ben typed something else and then tapped her shoulder. She looked up at his phone. 

** Ben:  ** _ can we cuddle _

_ “ _ Do you want that?” He nodded eagerly and Rey shifted so that she could let Ben lay down and then maneuvered herself so that Ben was holding her. He never thought that he would get to do something like this, let alone with someone he enjoyed. He wished that he could be here forever. The only thing that made Ben worry was seeing that there wasn’t much room for Rey on the couch. She was tiny, compared to him. That was the thing that made it possible for them to end up on the couch. 

Rey ended up falling asleep on the couch, and Ben didn’t move. His neck cramped a little bit, but he just watched her. 

He could say for certain, that this was the best day of his life. 

_

The next few weeks went by with Rey coming over and the two of them eating dinner together. Sometimes Rey would talk about things that pissed her off during the day, other days she was quiet and just wanted him to hold her for a long period of time. She never forced him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. 

She never asked him if they could kiss – which was worrying, because what if she wanted that – she always just seemed to want his company instead. He kept worrying that he was doing something wrong, though. Did she want to kiss and feel like asking him would create too much conflict? Or did she not want to kiss him and was she really just pity dating him? 

Thinking down those lines would just make him spiral out of control until Rey would show up and smile and everything would be good for a little while again. Today she came with some books and her book bag and said, “Hey, is it okay if I study over here? My neighbors are so fucking loud and I’m just super stressed and -” Ben responded by opening the door wider and letting her come in. “You really are a lifesaver,” She said. 

Ben just nodded and went to the fridge. He had started stocking some food that he knew Rey would eat. Which was mostly junk food, because Rey was a college student that would shove anything into her mouth  as long as it gave her enough will power to continue on with the day, but also other things. Dark chocolates, cotton candy grapes, sweet things that weren’t as bad for you. He got out the grapes again, washing off some and putting them in a bowl, and then sitting it in front of Rey. 

“Thank you so much, sweetheart.” 

Sweetheart. 

That was new. Ben blushed, because of course he did, and Rey smiled and resumed her studying. 

She studied for four hours before even talking to him, which was fine. Whatever Rey was studying looked like something Ben wouldn’t even able to attempt to understand. “I am done for the evening,” She said. “You want to do anything?” He shrugged and with an exasperated sigh, she leaned across the edge of the couch and dramatically flopped down onto it. 

“Was your day okay?” 

He nodded, giving her a tiny noise of approval. 

There was a lull in the conversation.  _ Why did Rey like him again? Why was she even giving him the time of  _ _ day. _ _ He didn’t deserve the attention she gave him.  _ Rey seemed to sense that something was wrong. She sat up straight and moved a little closer to him, but instead of asking him if something was wrong, she asked, “Can I teach you some sign language?” 

For some reason, he says yes. 

They end up learning the whole alphabet after three days of Rey teaching him this, and suddenly it’s easier to communicate.  _ Y-O-U O- _ _ K ? _ _ _ Rey signed to him. 

_ H-A-V-E A-L-O-T O-N M-Y M-I-N-D  _ He replied. Rey nodded and signed back if he wanted to talk about it. Honestly, there was so much to talk about that he didn’t know if he could sign it all. He ended up going back to his phone. 

** Ben:  ** _ I've been thinking a lot and we’ve been dating for about four weeks? You haven’t asked me to kiss you and while I appreciate you wanting to take this slow for my  _ _ sake _ _ I don’t want you to have to walk on eggshells around me. You know that I’ve never done this before, so  _ _ yes _ _ I’ll be nervous, but I’m willing to try for you. Unless you don’t want to do that, then that’s fine too. _

_ _ Rey stared at the phone for a long time before she sighed and said, “Well, Ben. I wanted you to be the one to ask me.” 

Oh. 

“I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you and this might be weird, but when I’m dating  somebody I don’t really care about the physical stuff much more than cuddling. I like physical affection, yeah, but I like the person just being there and being happy to be around me a lot more. Does that make sense?” He guessed that it did. He nodded. “Good. Because honestly, I’m not asexual but I’m not like – way into having sex and making out and all that because that’s not the stuff that makes me feel like I’m not alone.” He nodded. “Anyway, I’m rambling. Long story short, I want to be your girlfriend because I like you because you’re sweet and cute and funny and great at just being there for me. I do want to kiss  you but I wanted it to be on your terms when we did it. I don’t want you to feel inadequate or anything for not kissing me or having sex with me or anything like that. Got it.” He nodded again. 

How did he get this girl again? 

“Do you want to kiss me?” 

He tried to sign again.  _ E-V-E-N-T-U-A-L-L-Y.  _

_ “ _ Okay,” Rey said, “that’s fine with me. Now, we should watch Netflix.” 

Ben felt something in the pit of his stomach when started searching for the remote. God, he was falling hard for this girl. 

_ 

Rey liked Ben’s apartment more than her own. Probably because Ben was there, he would always  do little things like hum when he was cooking or look at her when he thought she wasn’t looking and smile. So, Rey made a point to go there as much as she could. And then Ben got sick. 

** Ben:  ** _ hey, I won’t be there at your shift today _

** Rey:  ** _ you okay, babe _

** Ben:  ** _ I have a cold and shit sucks rn _

_ You don’t have to come over I don’t want you to catch anything _

** Rey:  ** _ too bad  _ _ im _ _ bringing you soup as soon as my shift ends and there’s nothing you can do about it _

** Ben:  ** _ rey _

** Rey:  ** _ ben if you try and tell me that I shouldn’t  _ _ im _ _ going to bring you more soup than I was planning on  _

** Ben:  ** _ okay then  _ _ 😊 _ _ cant wait _

_ 

Rey couldn’t wait to see him again. When she got to his apartment, she ran to get to his apartment. She was in the hallway when she saw something strange. An older woman was standing in front of Ben’s apartment, staring at the door for a long minute. She reached out for the door and then stepped back, biting her lip. “Sorry,” Rey said, “can I help you?” The older woman’s eyes shot up, looking at Rey in bewilderment. 

“I,” The woman cleared her throat, “sorry does a Ben Solo live here-?” 

“Who are you?” 

“His mother,” Rey got closer to the door. Ben never mentioned anything about his parents. Why would his mother not know where he lived? 

“I um, okay.” Rey said. “I’m Ben’s ASL tutor and uh – yeah. We had a lesson today.” She lied. That was a straight lie. She couldn’t believe that the woman bought that. 

“Oh, that’s good. Do you see Ben often?” 

“Yeah,” Rey said. 

“Okay, like – how often?” 

“Day before yesterday.” 

“Okay, that’s good. That’s good. I’m going to go now. Please don’t tell him that I was here. I’m glad he’s uh – learning to  communciate in different ways. Thank you. What’s your name?” 

“Rey,” 

“Rey, I’m Leia. Bye. Sorry,” She left before Rey could say anything. She just knocked on the door. 

“Ben, are you in there?” 

Her phone pinged. 

** Ben:  ** _ door’s open, who was that _

** Rey:  ** _ just some solicitor, I dealt with it though so it’s okay  _

She texted. It was a lie, but Ben already had a cold. He didn’t need to hear about this now. Maybe later. Way later. Rey put the cans of chicken noodle soup she had brought for him down and looked for a good pot, readying the soup to warm up before she went to the bedroom to see Ben half - awake in his room. “Hey,” She said. He looked like he hadn’t slept well at all. “Talk to me. What’s wrong? Have a fever?” He nodded. “Got a migraine?” He nodded again. “Okay, let’s start there. The soup is heating up. I’ll be right back.” He made a pitiful noise and Rey went to the kitchen to check on the soup. 

Almost heated up. She went to his pantry to see if there was any rice. Impromptu trick she learned from Maz. A sock and some rice heated up made a makeshift hot compress. She was glad to find some rice in the pantry. She got the bag and put it down on the counter, found a laundry basket in the living room and smelled it to make sure it was clean. It was. 

She grabbed the sock and poured the rice in and then heated it up in the microwave, dealing with the soup next. After she poured it  out she took the heated up compress to Ben and asked, “I probably should’ve asked before if you’re hot or cold?” He just nodded. “Which one? Hot? Or cold?”

He held up two fingers. “Cold?” He nodded. 

“Okay, good. This will help.” She put the compress on his head. “The soup is ready but I’m going to give you a few minutes while it’s cooling down so that you can eat.” She was about to leave again when Ben grabbed her hand. “Okay, I’ll stay.” She said. “I’ll stay.” She sat on the edge of the bed and Ben tugged lightly on her arm. She got the message.  _ Lay down.  _ She should’ve told him if she laid down she was probably going to fall asleep. 

But she willed herself to stay awake for as long as possible. Making him get up before the soup got cold and eat. “You  feeling better?” He nodded. “Good. Do you want me to stay when you’re done?” He nodded. “Can I sleep over?” 

_ Please,  _ he signed. 

“You’re getting better with your signing. You been practicing?” 

Another nod. Rey ruffled a hand through his hair and smiled. “Soup’s good?” 

A small grunt of approval. “Good.” 

“I’ll stay on the couch, that way if you need something I’m just right there.” 

_ B-E-D. Please?  _

_ “ _ You want me to sleep in your bed?” He nodded. “Okay, if you’re sure.” 


	6. a mother's desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia really wants to see her son again, she's not sure if she deserves to though.

Rey had asked Ben several more times if he was okay with her sleeping in his bed. He had said yes, and she had promptly kicked off her shoes. She waited for Ben to wrap his arms around her and the two of them fell asleep like that. Rey wasn’t sure how long she had fallen asleep, all she knew was she woke up in the middle of the night to Ben’s soft crying. He was still holding her but she could tell that he was crying. Then she heard it. She heard his voice, “ _ Stop.”  _ Her heart broke when she heard that. His voice was so quiet that she almost didn’t hear. Years of not using it had made it raspy and weak. 

This was not how she wanted to hear his voice. “Ben,” She said. She hoped that he would wake up. “Ben.” He woke up on the second try. She could feel him stiffen against her. “Ben can you let me up? I gotta pee.” His grip around her loosened and Rey got up, placing her hand on his forehead gently. He felt hot. “Poor babe,” She got up. She didn’t tell him that she heard him. 

She went to the bathroom and found some cough medicine right as she heard Ben start to cough. When she came back into his room with it, she could see him squint due to the light from the other room. “Sorry,” Rey said, “but I can’t see without the light.” She poured a little bit of cough medicine into the cap and gave it to Ben. “Take that.” 

He did and then fell back onto the bed, only looking back up when Rey didn’t get in the bed with him. “Are you okay?” He nodded, obviously confused. “Are you hungry?” He shook his head and then motioned for her to get back in the bed. She did, not sure how she should approach this. 

His mother. 

Crying at night. 

Not talking. 

There was something wrong in Ben’s head, and she wanted to know what. But how do you ask someone who was clearly traumatized something? And would she be a bad girlfriend if she pushed him to tell her what was going on? She was never really one of those people who got in relationships, so she had no clue what she was doing. 

Ben gingerly wrapped his arms around her again. He could tell that something was wrong. Probably not sure what. Rey hoped that he didn’t ask her. She didn’t want to have that talk - to ask why he was crying in his sleep. 

They slept again. This time she didn’t wake up until about seven. Ben was starting to get out of bed when she got up. “You okay?” He nodded. “Hungry?” He nodded again. He got up gingerly as Rey went to start warming up some soup. He had managed to move to the couch and was laying down again. Usually Rey would look at him and just think about how adorable he looked, but right now she was concerned with multiple things. Her phone pinged. 

**Ben: ** ** _are you okay? _ **

Rey bit her lip. “Yeah.” 

**Ben: ** ** _you don’t need to lie to me, what’s up _ **

** _Am i making you sick _ **

“It’s a conversation for another time, Ben. It has nothing to do with you right now,” Rey wondered how she was going to approach this topic. She guessed that right now she should just make him his soup and hope that she could help him get better. 

_

Ben wasn’t stupid. There was something wrong and Rey wasn’t telling him what it was. He wished that he could come out and just ask her what it was but he wasn’t sure how. He didn’t know how to do this sort of thing and it was making him feel helpless. He wanted to know what he had to do to make sure that everything was okay with her but again - he had no idea what he was doing. 

Rey set down the soup in front of him and looked at her phone. “God damn it.” He raised an eyebrow. 

“Rose drank way too much tequila and has been throwing up so much, she doesn’t think she can take her shift. There’s no one else to cover it.” His eyes say, go. She smiles apologetically and hugs him before she leaves. 

He already wanted her to come back. 

_ 

Rey doesn’t know if it’s her depression or the fact that she’s stressed out of her goddamn mind that makes her want to leave after an hour of work. Not only was Ben sick at home, but she had to work right now and her partners on a group project hadn’t done jack shit and the line was so long and there were so many things that made her want to spiral right now. She wanted to cry so bad, it was only made worse when none other than Ben’s mother came through the door. 

If Poe wasn’t taking his lunch break right now, Rey would ask him to take this order. Leia ordered, her eyes on Rey the entire time. Rey guessed that she knew where the intensity came from now. She made her order and called out her name. Leia initiated conversation first, “I didn’t know that you worked here.” 

“Yep,” Was all Rey managed to say. This was awkward, so awkward. 

“How’s life?” She meant to ask how Ben was. She could tell. 

“Life is going okay right now,” 

“Good.” 

With that, she leaves. Rey prayed that she would never see her again. 

Rey goes back home and crashes. 

She doesn’t remember to text Ben. In the morning she wakes up her phone pinging. It’s on ten percent. 

**Ben: ** ** _hey are you okay???????_ **

**Ben: ** ** _you left your charger and other stuff here and you didnt come back after the shift_ **

**Ben: ** ** _you’re probably asleep right now but pls text me when you feel like it so ik ur ok _ **

Oh shit, her charger. 

**Rey: ** ** _work was hella stressful sorry_ **

Then she decides to say it. 

**Rey: ** ** _i saw your mother_ **

_ 

Leia remembered the day that her son stopped talking very well. It was a day where she had actually called off so that she could spend the day with him. She hadn’t been a very good mother lately. There was too much work, always and she didn’t always pay attention to him like she needed to. “Hey, Ben. You can stay home from school today.” Usually she would get an enthusiastic response from him but he only stared at her. “I was thinking maybe we could go to that Barnes and Noble that you liked and I could get you some books. Then we could go see a movie?” He nodded - but he didn’t talk to her. “Are you okay?” 

He opened his mouth for a second, and then turned around and walked into his room. He didn’t come out for the rest of the day. Leia didn’t know what had happened, if she had made him mad. She tried several times that week to engage him. 

Nothing. 

Therapist. 

Nothing. 

It’s the doctor that finds out that he’s been molested. 

Leia immediately goes to the police station but Ben won’t say anything and there’s not much they can do. For a while, nothing happens. Then a therapist gets him to circle where he would get touched, Leia nearly vomited when she watched him start to cry. 

She was such a bad mother. 

How had she failed so badly? 

Han had even come back after Leia told him what had happened. It wasn’t until Ben was in sixth grade that the Principal gets busted for having child pornography on his computer. Leia’s called in to the station and since her son won’t talk, she goes. It’s there that she finds out that some of the pictures are of Ben. 

There’s a trial. 

During it, Leia tries her best to be there for Ben. She also started cutting again. She hadn’t done that since she was a teenager. It was the best way to cope with the stress while away from work. Snoke ended up getting minimum, five years. “Fuck,” Han swore under his breath and Leia started crying. She was furious. 

Ben was at home. His therapist suggested that it was too traumatic for him to go after the prosecution had him testify through written word. Ben didn’t know that that day, Leia had jumped the barrier between her and Snoke, and punched him as hard as she could in the jaw. She would kill that man in the courtroom if she could. 

She’s arrested but the bail is affordable and the judge is kind and understanding. 

She doesn’t lose her job. 

Now the most she knows about her son is his address. He hasn’t talked to her in so long and Han is dead. She wrote Ben letters at least three times a month. Sent him a Christmas card with checks in them. Those checks always went uncashed. They were for amount of three hundred to four hundred dollars. 

The letters always went unanswered. 

She knew that there were a lot of things that she did wrong, but she doesn’t know how to answer for them. 

She so desperately does. After the trial she threw herself back into her work, that was a mistake she was paying for dearly now. The first time that she had gone to Ben’s apartment to actually try to talk to him, she was so so scared. She knew that he was mad at her but she wanted to see his face - to know that he was alive and okay and happy. Then Leia saw her. A girl with wide eyes and dark brown hair pulled into a messy bun. She was staring at Leia like a deer in headlights. 

She was carrying a bag with soup cans in it. She said that she was Ben’s ASL tutor. Something in Leia didn’t believe that completely, but relief flooded through her all the same because someone had seen him recently. Her son was at least still alive. She left, not able to ask anymore questions. 

She saw her next at a cafe that she had gone to every once and a while when she was in town. Maz was an old friend of hers. She had never seen Rey before, and it probably freaked the poor girl out when she saw her. Leia wanted to ask about Ben. She almost did, but that was inappropriate because the girl was working and Leia was so so anxious. 

She went home and cried. 

She wanted to see him. 

Just once. 


	7. a mild fluff

Rey’s phone died ten minutes into waiting for a reply from Ben. Part of her wanted to stay there, paralyzed in bed, but she knew that she couldn’t do that. She drove to Ben’s apartment complex and knocked on the door. “Ben, are you in there? It’s me. It’s Rey. My phone died, I’m sorry. I just came back to get my charger. If you’re mad at me, I get it. I’m so so sorry.” She was crying, panicking even. The door opened and Ben was standing there, an eyebrow quirked as he stared at her. His eyes softened and he gestured for her to come inside. Rey forced herself to breathe as she found her charger and plugged her phone in. Ben opened his phone to the text he had sent her and gave it to her.

**Ben: _it’s ok_**

** **

** _I was mad about it for maybe five minutes but_ **

** **

** _It’s fine _ **

** **

** _We can talk about this_ **

** **

** _?? Rey_ **

** **

“You’re not mad,” He nodded. Rey’s mouth felt dry, but her shoulders released, and she let out a little shaky chuckle. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I just hate the thought of you being mad at me. Okay. I promise that I didn’t tell her anything and I don’t know what happened between you two and I’m not going to ask, I just—” She stopped talking when he put his hands on her shoulders gingerly. It was like all of the exterior things that she had to worry about just melted away.

It was now that actions spoke a lot louder than words. He gave her a small smile and she tried to give one back. “Can I have a hug?” He nodded again and pulled her in tight. She wished that she could stay there forever. Wished that there was nothing else in the world that she had to do at that moment. He was so warm and so big, and, in a way, she felt like he was protecting her, even though she was the one who talked.

Then, something wonderful happened.

He kissed her on the top of her forehead. Rey smiled into chest before pulling back. “We can talk about everything else later,” Rey told him. “Also, thank you. For the kiss. It was nice.” He pulled out his phone again.

**Ben: _I’d do more_**

** **

** _Later_ **

** **

** _But I do think that you should know about my mother_ **

** **

** _Since we’re together, you deserve to know, I won’t tell you everything but just the basics_ **

** **

So, he does tell her what he’s comfortable with. And here’s what Rey now knows about Ben’s past. He used to get abused by an authority figure, how he was abused, Rey didn’t know. He had a deadbeat father that ended up trying to be better, only to die a year after he tried to start having a relationship with Ben. And he felt like he had always been a burden to his mother.

These were the things that made him silent.

No one had ever made Ben as happy as Rey made him now, and even now, she had pulled Ben way further out of his shell than he ever thought that he could go. And Rey was so so happy that she could be that for Ben.

** _Ben: I don’t want pity_ **

** **

** _But I do trust you so _ **

** **

** _I just want to remind you that you can tell me anything and I will never judge you _ **

** **

“The same goes for you,” She was stroking his hair and he had maneuvered on the couch so that his head was in her lap, and she was smiling down at him. “You’re so strong, you know that?” He shook his head, as if to say, _no I’m not. _

“You are,” Rey told him, “you so are. And so, so kind, and I love being around you and I just… I really care about you. Okay? Like really. When you aren’t around I think about you, when you are around you’re all I can focus on. That’s why I was panicking, I guess. I have this fear of people I care about leaving me and, I really care about you, I don’t think that I can take it. Not being able to see you. Not being able to touch you. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She could see tears pricking at his eyes.

God, she loved this man.

_

The next few days went by super slow, but then Ben had texted her saying that he ordered pizza and asked if she could come over.

**Ben: _it’s way too quiet here_**

** **

** _I need u_ **

** **

**Rey: _dude_**

** **

** _Open the door_ **

** **

** _I started driving over when you said pizza _ **

** **

Ben opened the door and smiled, staring at her for a second.

“What?” He let her come in.

**Ben: _you just look so pretty_**

** **

“I haven’t even brushed my hair all day,”

**Ben: _dang u must have some magical powers_**

** **

** _Because you’re looking really good today_ **

** **

“You’re extra flirty today,” They ate and Rey told Ben about her day before they moved to the couch and watched some Netflix. Midway through Nailed It, Ben texted Rey again.

**Ben: _I want to kiss you but idk how_**

** **

Rey sat up, “You want to—today?” He nodded, staring at her. His eyes were so dark. “I’ve kissed, like once or twice. When I was in middle school. So you could just – go for it? Or we could just. Start small. Like a little peck, and then more later. Does that sound good?”

He nodded.

“Can you sign it?”

_Yes. _

Gingerly, Rey gently guided him more towards her, so she could access his face better. Their first kiss was so chaste, so quick, but so so good. Rey felt warm when she pulled away from him. “Was that okay?” He nodded, and he was blushing furiously. So was she. He looked so good, though. Rey sat back and just stared at him.

“I’m glad that you liked it,” She said. “Now we have to cuddle.”


	8. all i want for christmas, is you! Part One

It seemed that they had only grown closer and closer together as the days got shorter and the nights got longer. Sometimes Rey’s heat would quit out and she would come over to his and the two of them would just lay together and cuddle. Sometimes Rey would read to him and other times they’d just binge random feel good shows on Netflix. They had fallen into that kind of routine. Rey never asked Ben to talk more about his trauma, which was something he had been fearing since he gave her the vague summary of things that had happen to him.

She had told him then, that when he wanted to tell her more, he would tell her more. She wasn’t someone who needed an explanation immediately. Ben appreciated that more than anything. At the moment, the one thing that he needed right now was to know that she was there.

Every once and a while, he would get scared that he wasn’t enough, that he was holding Rey back and that at any moment she was going to leave his life. But every moment those thoughts passed through his mind, Rey would be there hugging him or touching his hand. They would make dinner for each other and she would tell him bad jokes and Ben found that he had been laughing more than he ever had in his life.

Rey had promised Ben that she would tell Leia that she doesn’t want her to contact her anymore, and that was that. The both of them were happy. Ben wondered if they were too happy. If there was something that was going to come and ruin it. He tried not to let his negative thoughts ruin what he had going for him right now though.

__

It was the first time that there was sun in a week and Rey desperately wanted to go to a park or something and just walk for as long as possible. She had found a place far away from most and asked Ben if he wanted to go. He had seemed rather enthusiastic about it and confirmed to Rey that he had been going a bit stir crazy.

So, they made a day out of it. Rey got them thermoses for some coffee and Ben gave her some money to get stuff for a picnic. He picked her up and the two of them were off. The two of them rode in silence for a bit before Ben turned on the radio. The rest of the ride was drowned out with the sounds of the radio before they reached their destination.

Ben turned the key in the ignition and they sat there in silence for a minute. “You okay?”

_Just thinking. _He signed. He was getting a lot better at that.

“About what?”

_Us. _Rey felt something drop in the pit of her stomach, and then Ben very quickly kept signing. _Not anything bad. Hold on. _He got out his phone and started typing.

**Ben: _I just don’t want you to get bored of me_**

** _And I’m afraid that you might_ **

** **

** _Get bored of me _ **

** **

** **

“Why would I ever get bored of you, Ben?”

** _Idk_ **

** **

** _Its stupid_ **

** **

“It’s not stupid if it’s something that you’re worried about, babe. So tell me, why do you think that I would happen.”

** _I can’t talk for starters_ **

** **

** _I’ve tried to but it’s hard and it brings me back to a place where I don’t want to be and it’s so so hard to get past all of that, even though the rational part of my brain tells me that you wouldn’t judge me. I just feel like I’m boring and dull and I’m never going to be enough. You deserve the world and I’m afraid that I can’t give it to you, _ **

** **

Rey was silent for a moment as she stared at her phone as she formulated a response. “I don’t think that’s stupid it all. It makes sense.” She bit her lip before turning. “First of all,” She grabbed his hand, “I want you to know that I’m crazy about you.”

She told him. “More than I have ever been about anyone, I love you so intensely that the only way that you could ever get rid of me is if you’re the one that gets rid of me.” Ben swallowed thickly, and Rey could see blush creeping up his neck. “You are enough for me,” She said. “You’re not dull to me at all. I love being around you so much and you honestly calm me down when I’m constantly stressed with school and work. You don’t need to give me anything else than just you. You are enough. I’m sorry that you feel like you aren’t. And lastly, if you don't talk, you don't talk. I didn't enter this relationship with the goal of finally getting you to talk, okay? I entered this relationship because I found someone who I really like who makes me feel happy every single time I see them. If you talk one day in the distant future, I'll be proud of you. If you don't, then I'll still be proud of you because you being here is something to be proud of. Don't let anyone - even your own brain - convince you otherwise. Okay?" 

More silence. He looked like he was going to cry. She really didn't want that. If he cried, she was going to start crying too. 

“Are you okay?”

He nodded.

“Want to go have a picnic?” He nodded again.

“Great. Come on, let’s go.”

__

** _Three Weeks Later_ **

** **

It was getting closer to Christmas and Ben hadn’t celebrated. Ever. But Rey came to his door on the first day of December wearing an ugly Christmas sweater grinning ear to ear and it just happened. He ordered a small tree the next day and Rey talked about how she never got to celebrate when she was a kid so she was always super enthusiastic about it now. He could understand that. Next came the lights and then the ornaments. The only thing that Ben was really worried about now was what to get her.

Rey had insisted that him baking her some cookies would be enough but that just didn’t seem like it was enough to express just how much he actually cared about her.

**Ben: _please_**

** _You got to give me some ideas _ **

**Rey: _but I don’t need anything_**

** _Really_ **

** _Like maybe a visa giftcard for gas would be nice but even then I feel bad asking for that so_ **

** _Idk_ **

**Ben: _its not fair if you get me something really nice and then all I do is bake cookies for you_**

**Rey: _but cookies !! are !! nice !!_ **

** _you don’t get it but I never had somebody bake me cookies so_ **

**Ben: _… _**

** _Ok I def am baking you cookies but im gonna get you something else_ **

** **

Rey kept insisting that he didn’t. He was going to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, my life sucks, if you want to support me being able to keep up this fic go to @feral-rey on tumblr to see how you can do that or comment and share because this is really the only place I get validation! thanks.


	9. Christmas Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a short chapter, after seeing TRoS and being forced to spend time with some verbally abusive relatives these holidays its hard to write fluff

_When Rey was little, she used to watch Christmas movies and wondered why she never got any presents. She was four years old when her foster father told her that Santa wasn’t real in a drunken stupor, so she knew that it wasn’t because she had been naughty. Rey spent most of her days trying not to be a bad kid. Trying to get her foster parents to love her, but she never had such luck with things like that. _

_There were never any presents under the tree for her. Not even something bad like socks. Every Christmas was always pretty lonely. She was pretty sure that was never going to change. _

____

Rey had spent hours worrying over what to get Ben for Christmas. She just wanted it to be perfect, but she knew that whatever she got would be something that Ben would appreciate. It’s the thought that counts, right? She just hoped that if he hated it he would tell her instead of pretending like he did really like it.

Once she had settled on something that she had really liked, she ordered the most expensive shipping option with the promise that it would get there on Christmas day.

**Rey: I ordered your present**

**Rey: im really hoping it gets here on time**

**Ben: if not its fine**

**Ben: amazon can be weird around this time **

**Rey: yeah ik ill still be pissed if doesn’t get here on time**

**Ben: I wont because you being with me is enough of a Christmas present **

**Rey: ;-; omg what did I do to deserve you**

Rey had told Rose that she was going to be going to Ben’s for Christmas Eve. “Oh my god that’s amazing,” Rose said. “You two seem to be getting pretty serious.”

“Yeah,”

“You glow practically every time you two are around each other, and honestly I’m living for it.” The two of them alternated between filling out orders for rushing customers and talking about Ben. Rey told her more about him, about how kind he was to her, about how shy he was and Rose listened.

“Sorry,” Rey said, “I just don’t get to tell people how amazing he is. Needed to rant about it.”

“You’re too sweet,” She said. “Well I hope you have fun.”

__

It was Christmas Eve and Ben had brought an impromptu tree. He had been making cookies all day and was going to help Rey decorate the tree but halfway through he was exhausted. Rey told him that she would do the rest.

She did, and then started singing ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ for him. He couldn’t help the overwhelming blush that overcame him when she started singing to him. “God, you’re so adorable.” She said. She huffed a little as she fell back onto the couch dramatically. “Honestly, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

‘_You’re sweet,’ _he signed to her.

“I’m just telling you the truth,” Rey said, “you make me so happy.” Ben felt something that he had never felt before. It was this warm easy feeling and it just spread over him. All the anxiety that he had balled up in him just left as Rey put her hand over his. “Thank you for this. For letting me have a Christmas. For everything.”

_‘Don’t make me cry yet,’ _

“Okay,” She said. “Suit yourself.” The both of them yawned. “Cuddle?” Ben nodded and then moved so he was on the couch without making his back hurt and Rey laid down with him. She just fit there. Like she was always meant to be there, in Ben’s arms. And as Rey started to fall asleep, Ben made two really scary discoveries.

The first discovery was that Rey was the first person that he felt safe touching intimately. Ever. When she wasn’t there his mind wondered to moments where they had hugged, or Rey had touched his hands. She was so patient with him and wasn’t frustrated when he had to go slow, like he often was with himself.

He trusted her.

She had shown that she wanted to wait to do things, that she cared about Ben’s feelings and she listened.

Most of the anxiety that he had over touch started to diminish around her.

The second discovery he made was that he was seriously in love with Rey. He had known since they started this relationship that he had feelings for her, knew that he cherished every moment that he shared with her. He just wasn’t sure if he was emotionally ready to call it what it was yet.

Love.

He loved her.

“You okay, Ben?” He nodded and she burrowed into him more. “Your heart’s beating pretty fast.” He took in a deep breath, focusing on the fact that Rey was there right next to him. It was two hours later before Ben had her get up so he could heat up the casserole that he made.

“You know that I love your cooking and your baking,” Rey said, “god it’s so good.” She took a cookie off one of the cooling sheets and took a big bite of it.

God, he really loved her.

“What?”

He put the casserole in the oven and set a timer. ‘_You’re cute.’ _He signed.

“I’m hungry,”

‘_Thirty minutes,’ _

“Good to know,”

The two of them stood there for a minute as Ben watched Rey finish the cookie. She smiled, looking back at Ben. The look in her eyes was something magical. It made Ben feel like everything was right with the world.

__

Rey loved Ben so much. He made sure that Christmas Eve was perfect. There were presents under the Christmas tree, and they watched the Charlie Brown Christmas Special while cuddled right next to each other. Being next to Ben felt right. They had both drank a little bit of hot coco and Rey was feeling a little bit fuzzy and a little bit tired. She was full and they had leftovers of Ben’s cooking for the next day.

That’s probably why she started crying.

She was pretty clear that alarmed Ben because he was signing, _‘What’s wrong?’_ immediately.

“Nothing, nothing.” She sniffed. “I’m just—I’m really happy. I’m okay.”

_‘Are you sure?’ _

“Yeah. I’m sure. This is everything I wanted, Ben. Really. You’re everything that I’ve always wanted.” She looked up to see his eyes shining too. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m being weird. I know. I’m sorry.” He shook his head and just pulled her closer as she calmed down. This was a good Christmas Eve. She never wanted it to end.


	10. Christmas Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> need fluff? here's a cleanse from that shitty movie

It was Christmas Day and Rey was wearing Ben’s pajamas. She and Ben had gone to sleep that night and he held onto her firmly. She liked that feeling. The feeling that he was there right next to her. Rey knew that she wasn’t alone when he was holding her like that. The morning came around and she just closed her eyes again. Ben’s breathing changed and she could tell that he had woken up. She turned around and stared at him, a smile creeping up her face. “It’s Christmas,” He nodded. The same smile crossing his face. “Guess I’m looking at my first present.” That earned a little bit of blush from him, and he buried his face back in the pillow.

“I love you,” She snuggled closer to him.

They stayed there like that for a moment before Rey finally shot up. “Okay, no more sleeping! It’s time to open presents.” She couldn’t remember the last time that she had been so excited and nervous about something in her life. It was amazing, just how alive she felt in that one moment. She could hear Ben groan before getting up behind her and following her out of his room and out to the living room where their little tree was waiting. Rey turned back towards him.

“So, how’s this going to work, because I really want you to open the presents I got you first but I’m also excited to open mine so—”

_‘Open yours first,’ _He signed.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded. God, he was smiling. He looked so young right now, the multicolored lights from the Christmas tree reflecting against his eyes. “Okay,” She knelt down by the tree and picked out the three with her name on them. One was a big bag and the other two were neatly wrapped boxes. “You’re better at wrapping than I am,” She said. She went for the bag first, seeing the card on the top of it.

The front of the card had a dog with a santa hat on it. She opened the card. _I took way too long looking for a good card and I just stressed way too much so I hope you like this. _“You deserve all the greatest holidays, you have made me the happiest man ever and give me a reason to get out of bed. Thank you for being here for me and listening to me, you have no idea how much that means to me.” She read aloud. She was already crying. Fuck. “I’m not great at drawing but I drew one of my favorite drawings you put on my coffee cups.” It was a picture of a little bird with a flower in it’s mouth. Rey remembered that day really clearly now.

How he looked at her and smiled. If she knew how everything would end up she would have mustered up the courage to talk to him a lot sooner. “I haven’t even seen the present yet, fuck. Hold on.” She wiped away her tears before going into her present. She could see Ben sitting there waiting, his knee bouncing up and down nervously. The first thing she found in the bag were a neatly folded coat and cream-colored sweater that was way too soft. The coat looked way nicer than anything Rey could ever afford. It was black and thick with a nice faux fur lining and it just felt nice. The red zipper was really pretty too.

“I love them,” She said, looking back at Ben. “God this must’ve cost so much. You didn’t have to spend so much on me.” His face said it all, he wanted to. He wanted to take care of her and he knew that she needed a better coat, he saw that and got it for her. He smiled and gestured for her to open more of her presents. She did, finding a giftcard for QuickTrip, an artbook from the museum they visited together on their first date, a new bag for Rey to carry her books in when classes started back up and one last thing. Rey found herself falling in love with Ben’s practical sense of gift giving more and more by the second, and then she opened the last small box.

A key to his apartment on a delicate chain.

She held it in her hands for a minute without doing or saying anything. Then she remembered Ben was right there, wondering what she was thinking and probably scared out of his mind because he didn’t trust people enough for this sort of thing. Rey looked up and smiled at him so wide, running to him and enveloping him in a hug. “I love it. I love everything that you got me so much, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.” She pulled back from him. “I’m sorry that I didn’t get you as many things but I’m broke as fuck and you know that so I think that you understand.”

He nodded and Rey told him to go over to the tree. She sat on the couch waiting for him, feeling more happy than she had ever felt in her life. He looked so cute there with the first of the gifts that she had gotten him. He opened it and she could see the grin on his face when he saw two books that Rey had gotten for him. The newest book in the Expanse series and one of the Hardy Boys books. “I noticed that you had every Hardy Boys book except for one on your shelf and that you had all the Expanse books so I wanted to get you them.”

_‘Thank you,’ _

Then the last gift that she got him. She had found a place that custom made things like mugs, coffee cups, and tumblers. So she sent in some of her drawings and asked for three coffee cups and a tumbler. They came back prettier than she thought that they would be. He started crying. Rey wasn’t sure whether that was a good reaction or not. “Are you okay?” She was immediately there by his side, wanting to make sure that he was alright.

She knew that sometimes he got overwhelmed by touch, so she started small, putting her hand over his lightly. “Ben? Are you okay?”

He nodded and then signed, ‘_I have one more present. Later.’ _

“Oh, okay. You like everything that I got you, right?”

He nodded. ‘_I love it. Promise.’ _

“Okay, good. Now let’s watch some more Christmas movies,”

__

Christmas was good. They watched Christmas movies and ate way too many cookies and Rey felt so loved. She loved when Ben held her. She felt safe. She felt like everything that she had to go through was worth it to get to here. In the arms of someone that she really wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

They had gone on a walk later, Rey in her new sweater and coat. It was cold outside, but the sky was white and it looked pretty. They hadn’t expected it to snow when they were walking, but it did. Rey shrieked in delight. “Oh my god, yes.” She looked up towards the sky, feeling like she was grinning like an idiot.

Then she looked at Ben, and he looked happy and nervous. There were so many emotions going on on his face, Rey wasn’t sure that she could read all of them. _‘About that last present,’ _Ben said, _‘can I kiss you?’ _

“Do you want—” He nodded. “Okay,” They both let out a nervous little breath before Ben dipped down to kiss her. It was chaste at first. Soft and shy. But Rey wanted more. That few seconds was magical. They stared at each other for a second before going back in for it, Ben felt so soft against her, her hands were in his hair. His hands holding her. When they pulled away, he looked like he was in a dream for a second before smiling.

“Okay, I think that was the best present I could ever ask for.” There were so many emotions. She felt so proud of Ben for one. She had never felt so happy in her life either. She didn’t think it was possible. “Let’s go inside, come in from the cold.”


	11. The Dust I Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a warning about this chapter: Mental Breakdowns and poor decisions are made in this chapter
> 
> There is no mention of self harm, but there are some issues with depression, abandonment and anxiety. This chapter is angsty and Rey does some things that she shouldn't in this chapter. Please do not be alarmed though, it will all be resolved and this fic is definitely getting a HEA. 
> 
> I will not be mad if you skip this chapter. I will summarize the chapter in the summary of Chapter 12 when it comes out

**Chapter Eleven: I’ll Leave You The Dust**

_“There will be highs,” Rey played with the frayed edge of her sweater, “when you feel like you can do all of the things that you thought you would never have the energy to do. Then there will be other days, when you feel like you can’t do anything.” That wasn’t what Rey wanted to hear. She wanted a solution. Something that made her stop feeling this way. “Days where it takes a lot to just pick yourself up and brush your teeth,” Rey looked up at her doctor, “and there will also be days inbetween. A lot of days will be like that. Where you can do what you need to do, but not much more than that. Those days will feel just okay to you, but those are also your best days. Because then, you won’t crash.” _

_“We can’t afford her medicine,” Her foster mother said, “is there anything we can do to manage this without it?” _

_“We have a generic version as well—” _

_“I can’t afford that, I don’t think that you’re understanding me.” She could afford it. Rey wasn’t stupid. Her foster mother always had the newest thing, the newest clothes, the newest CDs. Her biological kids had gaming systems and everything they ever asked for. _

_This was the only thing that Rey had asked for. _

____

_Rey had met Maz Kanata when she was fourteen years old. She was nervous and needed a job, of course most people wouldn’t hire her because of her age, and every one else wanted to take advantage of her. Maz wasn’t like that. Jyn wasn’t like that either. _

_Rey started doing odd jobs around their shop, cleaning, sweeping in the fall to make sure there wasn’t leaves around the entrance to the coffee shop. They knew that she needed food, needed money. She was paid under the table until she could open her own bank account, away from her foster parents control. They gave her food. _

_In the back of the coffee shop, Jyn brough a small mini sofa and told Rey that if she needed to stay there she could. Rey cried at the gesture. It was a kindness that she had never experienced before. _

____

_When Rey was eighteen, she was kicked out and another child took the place of where she used to be. She tried not to cry too much about it, but she ended up crying in Jyn and Maz’s arms again. _

_They tell her that they will help her in any way they can. _

_Rey hated hand outs. _

_She was forced to take them though. She needed a place to stay. A job. They helped her with that, and then when she got her own apartment, they helped her pick out some furniture and Jyn donated some of her late husband’s old things to her. Insisting that she wanted her to have the best things possible. _

__

Bills are a nasty thing.

Rey had been working her ass off to make sure that she wasn’t behind on any of her loan payments. It was hard to remember what sleep was. Her heart was constantly beating in her chest from all of the energy drinks that she consumed, and she knew that she had to do something about it.

So, she did something. If she wanted to pay for her apartment, wanted to keep living, keep eating and go to college and get her degree she had to sacrifice something. She sold her pills to make sure that she could make rent.

Rey had never done anything illegal before, but she had to make sure that she made rent. Sometimes she had to make sure that she did what she was needed to be okay.

Jan 2

** _Rose: are you okay_ **

** **

Rey went to work, didn’t talk the whole time when she was there, just took orders and made them. Then went home, went to class, studied. The cycle repeated. It was a vicious one.

Jan 3

** _Ben: hey_ **

** **

** _Ben: did I do something wrong_ **

** **

** _Rose: hey_ **

** **

** _Rose: why didn’t you talk at work_ **

** **

** _Rose: are you okay_ **

** **

** _Rose: im going to come over if you don’t answer your fucking phone_ **

** **

** _Rey: Relax, I was asleep_ **

** **

** _Rose: maybe you should talk to your boyfriend_ **

** **

** _Rey: ??_ **

** **

** _Rose: he came in with a note saying he was worried and asked me to text you _ **

** **

Rey texted Ben next.

** _Rey: you didn’t do anything bad _ **

** **

** _Rey: I’m fine_ **

** **

** _Ben: why haven’t you been answering your texts_ **

** **

** _Rey: I am really tired and have a lot of shit to do ben, im busy, school calls_ **

** _Ben:oh, okay sorry_ **

** **

Rey felt a pang of guilt in her chest, but she really didn’t want to talk right now. She had class in ten minutes and she just chugged a Monster. She went through class and then went on a run afterwards, a run that was probably way too long considering the weather.

Jan 5

** _Ben: can you come over?_ **

** **

** _Ben: I miss you _ **

** **

** _Rey: Tom? _ **

** **

** _Ben: sure, that’ll work_ **

** **

Rey ran another four miles that day. By the time she got to Ben’s all she wanted to do was go run more but she knew that she had been a bad girlfriend lately, so she knocked on Ben’s door and when he smiled and kissed her she felt like she was about to melt. “Sorry, I’m really sweaty.” She told him.

_It’s okay. _He signed. Then he kissed her again, before the both of them devolved into hugging on the couch. Rey didn’t talk, just sort of shut herself off as she laid against him. She let herself be warm and comfortable for the time being. She didn’t so much as think about running.

Then the serious talk began. Ben asked if she wanted something to eat and Rey remembered that she hadn’t eaten anything that day. “No,” Her stomach contradicted her. Ben made her a sandwich and the two of them ate in silence for a little. He kept looking at her and Rey said, “What?”

He shook his head and kept eating.

Rey knew that he was thinking something.

He was probably judging her.

Oh well.

She had all this pent up energy that she knew was just going to crash at some point and she really needed to get rid of it. _I wanted to talk about something. _

“What did you want to talk about?”

_There’s something wrong. I feel it. _

Rey bit the inside of her cheek, “I’m fine.”

He put his hand over hers, it was gentle but Rey didn’t want to feel it. It made her feel like a shitty person. “Ben,” He was staring at her with those puppy dog eyes. “I can’t explain it. But I’ll be fine. I’m just—I have a lot of caffeine in my system today and I need to just go for a run and get it out of my system.”

_I’m worried about you. You know you’re not alone, right? _

“I know,” Rey kissed him on the forehead and got up. “I know, I’m fine.” He told her. Rey told him.

__

_“You know, for as long as I’ve known you.” Jyn told Rey, “I can tell when something’s wrong. So you can tell me what’s going on.” Rey bit her lip. She didn’t want to talk. _

_“It’s stupid,” _

_“Rey, it’s you. It’s not stupid.” _

_Rey felt like she was going to cry. “I just feel stressed, so alone, and I don’t even know if I’m going to pass my classes and what if I fail and I—” _

_“Rey,” Jyn grabbed Rey’s hand as it tried to ball into a fist, “listen to me okay? I need you to listen. You’re the smartest girl that I know. You are such a sweet person and you’re going to be successful. I know it, in my heart. I know that you’re going to be fine. Maz and I will be there to make sure of it. You don’t have to worry, kid. Okay?” _

_“Okay,” Rey sniffed, “okay.” _

_“Now get some sleep.” _

__

Rey was still running when Rose and Jyn found her. Rey had her earbuds in her ears and she was blasting music as loud as she possibly could. Rose had to run to catch up to her. Once Rose stopped her it was like Rey noticed just how much everything hurt. “Oh my god, Rey. Why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

“What?” Rey’s head felt like it was swimming.

“We’ve been trying to get a hold of you for hours,”

“Sorry, my phone was on silent.”

“You’ve been freaking everyone out, what’s going on?”

“I told you,” Rey had to catch her breath, “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Rose said, “you don’t even have any water on you. Jesus. Rey, do you even know where you are?”

She didn’t.

“Have you been taking your meds?”

She didn’t answer. The silence was enough for Rose to tell her in a stern voice to get in the car. Everything was a little fuzzy after that but she woke up in her own bed with Ben right there, looking over there. “How did you get here?”

_Rose. _

She nodded and tried her best to look away from him, she really didn’t want to cry right now. She knew that she was going to get yelled at for the fact that she sold her pills off right now, she knew that Rose, Jyn, and Maz would all be disappointed in her right now but she didn’t need that from Ben too. He had this pained expression on his face that Rey couldn’t read.

He tapped her on the shoulder and signed, _Why didn’t you tell me? _

“Tell you what?”

_That you weren’t okay. _

“Didn’t want to burden you,” She shrugged. She still wasn’t looking him in the eye.

_You don’t get to do that. It’s not fair that I dump all my stuff on you and you never dump any of your stuff on me. _

“It doesn’t matter, Ben.”

_Yes, it does._

“Ben,” Rey really didn’t want to fight. He shook his head and then kept signing. _ It does matter, because I care about you, and we’re together. _

“I know,”

_That means that we take care of each other. _

_It’s a two way street. _

“I’m sorry.”

_Not mad. _

“Just disappointed?” Her voice cracked. Damn her.

_No. _He signed. _You’re just so important to me. _

“Can you hold me?”

He nodded and kicked off his shoes, her bed was too small for the both of them but they squeezed together and Ben put his arms around her. “I’m sorry,” She shuttered. “I’m so fucking dumb.” She could feel a little pained noise come from Ben, and for a second it sounded like he was going to say something, but he didn’t.

He didn’t have to though.

Rey knew.

__

When Rey got up, Rose, Jyn, Ben and Maz were up in her house. Ben and Maz were making breakfast together and Jyn made a comment about how Rey had a tall drink of water for a boyfriend. Rose was putting pills into her pill organizer. “Hey,”

“Hey!” Jyn was the first person to come over to Rey and give her a big hug. “You look like shit, that’s fine though. You ran ten miles yesterday, you should go shower.” Rey nodded and Jyn followed her.

“What are you doing?”

“Just making sure that there’s nothing sharp in your bathroom,”

“Jyn, I’m depressed not suicidal.” The chatter in the kitchen stopped.

“Just let me, please.” Rey let her. There was nothing sharp in her bathroom anyway. Jyn left her to take a shower. When she got out, Rose was done with her pill organizer and had set it in her hands. It took Rey a second to gather the courage to look her in the eyes. But when she did, they both cried.

“I’m so sorry,”

“It’s okay,” Rose said, “it’s okay. We all have slip ups, you know? It’s okay. Just please, please try your best not do that again. I was so scared.”

Maz was the one to break up their crying. “Okay, come on guys. There’s food. We shouldn’t be crying when there’s food. Then—movies.” Rey nodded and told everyone that she was going to put her pills up.

She looked at her phone when she was done.

**Maz: _I know that you don’t take handouts but you know that when you’re having trouble, you can come to me and Jyn. Since you’re not twenty five yet, I’m putting you under my insurance and you don’t have to worry about the cost of your meds anymore. Please, don’t take this as a charity case. Take this as me considering you to be a daughter that I never had, and please take care of yourself. Love you x, and also I never told you how hot your boyfriend is. Congrats._**

** **

Rey felt like she was going to cry. That’s when she felt Ben’s arms wrap around her. He didn’t have to say anything.

She knew what he was thinking.

** **


	12. depression's a bitch

Things started to calm down after Rey’s episode, and all that Rey could really feel was embarrassed that it happened. She was back on her meds and most days, felt like her head was under water. Ben or Rose ended up driving Rey to class most days so she could save gas money. Maz and Jyn told her that if she ever felt like she couldn’t come into work, one of them would cover for her. But that only made Rey feel worse. They were both older women who shouldn’t have to work because she felt like she couldn’t. After work, Ben would pick her up. He started coming to her apartment a lot more, which was a big step for him.

Whatever happened, some of it happened in someone’s apartment. But they trusted each other now. Ben was making big steps for her. Rey just wished the reason wasn’t because of her spiral. It was kind of humiliating, being vulnerable. Rey hated it so much, but she knew that she couldn’t take it out on Ben or Rose, they were both trying to help her. She just wanted to pretend that none of this ever happen.

**Ben: _want to come over? _**

** **

**Rey: _maybe later, going out to look for another job_**

** **

**Ben: _rey_**

** **

She didn’t look at the other texts. Rey had always made sure that she could take care of herself and asking other people for help. Well—she didn’t like it. She really didn’t. She ended up applying to three jobs before she went back home and closed her eyes. She needed to breathe. She couldn’t wait for the moment that she graduated and got a job.

That was a while away though.

She looked at her phone.

**Ben: _you’re over exerting yourself_**

** **

He was right.

**Ben: _im worried about you_**

** **

**Rey: _im sorry_**

** **

**Ben: _don’t be _**

** **

**Ben: _pls just take care of yourself_**

** **

**Ben: _can I come over_**

** **

**Rey: _I think I just need to go to bed_**

** **

**Rey: _tomorrow_**

** **

She felt like shit, once again. Everything should be fine now, shouldn’t it? It really should be okay. So why didn’t she feel okay? Rey missed when it was easier to ignore the very real fact that she had depression, when it was easy to get motivated to get out of bed and go through her day. She needed to sleep, forever.

Rey laid down on her couch and turned her TV, falling asleep to the background noise.

__

Everything felt more stable, but in a way where Rey just felt numb. She went through each day, studied and came over to Ben’s. They would cuddle or walk together and Ben was obviously worried about her, but she kept trying to tell him that she was fine.

Because she was fine.

Just.

Fine.

That was something that seemed to happen a lot, after episodes like this. There were long stretches of time where Rey just got out of bed and thought, _Really? I have to do this again? _And went through the rest of her day trying to count her blessings. Tell herself that she had people who loved her. She was a smart person, and one day these things would end. She would be able to go to therapy and have a good job and she would be able to thrive.

One day, she would be able to thrive.

__

This never-ending numbness wouldn’t be as unbearable as it was right now. She drank a cup of cold coffee on her day off, watching Ben make breakfast for the both of them. Then she just said it, “Sometimes I feel like I’m a burden.” He stopped with the eggs that he was making. “I’m sorry for being annoying and not—I don’t feel like myself right now. I’m sorry.” He looked like he was about to cry, and that wasn’t what Rey wanted, he motioned for her to come closer to him, and she did.

Holding her breath, ever so slightly.

Rey and Ben had hugged plenty of times. But there was something about this hug that was better than anything that Rey had ever felt in her life. Then he pulled away and signed, _You’re not annoying. You need to know that. You also need to stop apologizing for being depressed. You literally can’t help it._

She couldn’t say it aloud, so she signed back. _I don’t like feeling vulnerable. _It took a second for Ben to think of a response.

_I know. But everyone is vulnerable at one point or another. Can you tell me why you don’t like it?_

Another beat of silence goes past them and Rey’s convinced that the eggs are going to burn, until Ben took the pan off the burner and turned back to her.

_I mean, why do most people not like it? _

Pause.

“I had to basically raise myself for the most part, before I met Maz or Jyn. That’s just how it was. There was no one on my side. No one I could count on—and it’s hard to get used to having someone without thinking that they’re going to leave, eventually. It’s hard to think that you’re not going to get annoyed with me at some point.”

_I would never. _

“Yeah?”

He nodded.

“You’re right,” She said. “Ugh, I need to go take a shower. See you in a few minutes, okay?” He nodded and went back to making her breakfast. Rey went into the shower, feeling grimy and like her skin needed to be scrubbed raw. Ben had brought this expensive soap that he put in his bathroom just for Rey, because she said that she liked it. The lavender smell calmed her down. She got out and put her pjamas back on and came out to Ben’s kitchen.

He had put her breakfast out on the table already, and Rey realized just then she was absolutely starving.

“Thanks, babe.” She planted a kiss on his forehead and sat down. The two of them ate in silence, but Rey was starting to feel…better.

Like she was at home, just enjoying being in her boyfriend’s presence.

Like everything was going to be okay.


	13. struggling with intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: 
> 
> -past sexual assault mention  
-panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems rushed, had to put it out before the Valentines day update

Things were starting to get more serious between Ben and Rey. He was getting braver, initiating more intimate moments. Slowly, very slowly, Rey started to feel better. Ben could tell. She was doing more things and getting back into visiting him more. She would smile when Ben would come up behind her and hug her and would kiss her. “God, fuck.” Rey giggled. “You’re getting good at that.”

Ben grinned and kissed her again, this time Rey had her full attention on Ben. Rey had to come back for a little bit of air, and moved onto his lap. “Is this okay?” She asked. He nodded and they continued. Rey didn’t let her hands wander like she wanted to. She knew not to go further. She didn’t want to freak him out.

It didn’t matter though, because he did. She could feel him underneath her and he pulled back. For a second, they sat there, Rey feeling his erection in his jeans. She wasn’t sure if he looked embarrassed or scared, but she knew that she had to get off his lap. “Hey,” She said, “hey, hey. Ben. It’s okay.” He looked like he wasn’t breathing, and that scared the shit out of her more than anything else. “It’s natural, it happens.” She knew that right now was not the time to touch him, so she got up off his couch and said. “I’m getting you some water, okay?” She went to the kitchen and got some water, purposefully taking as long as possible.

She needed to give him time to—oh god he was crying. He was crying and Rey didn’t know what to do. She was getting an idea of what happened now though. The abuse—that he had told her about. And she felt sick, she felt sick for him, but mostly she felt so bad. She felt like there was nothing that she could do, and that scared the shit out of her more than anything.

Usually there was something she could do to make this better, but she just stood there frozen for a minute as her boyfriend cried. She put the water down on the counter and said, “I’m staying behind the couch and I’m not looking, okay. It’s going to be okay, Ben.” She told him. “It’s going to be okay. I know that you can’t talk, but in your head, I need you to count to ten. Okay? Take deep breaths in, hold it for ten, and then blow out. I don’t want you hyperventilating and passing out. Okay?”

She knew he was doing it when slowly, the crying got quieter. “Focus on your breathing for me, okay baby? Just—stay in the present. You’re with me. I would never hurt you. Everything is going to be alright. Just take a deep breath in, take a deep breath out. I love you.”

She had to think of things—what calmed her down when she was having a panic attack? She turned around. “Hey, Ben. Is it okay for me to come around the corner now? I can bring you your water. You don’t have to turn around or anything, just give me a thumbs up if it’s okay.”

It was about three more minutes before he gave her a thumbs up and Rey came around the corner with his water. He wasn’t looking at her, he just looked red and tears were still stinging his cheeks. “You gotta drink some water.” She gave him the glass and took a long drink. She took the glass from him. His hands were shaking.

_Sorry. _He signed. _Ruined moment. Sorry. I’m sorry. _

“Hey, no. No. Don’t do that. You didn’t ruin the moment,” She wanted to hug him so bad right now, but she feared that that would be the wrong thing to do in this situation. “You did nothing wrong, and it’s okay.” He still wasn’t looking at her.

“Ben. Ben. Are you listening to me?” He finally looked at her, and Rey’s heart broke. He looked so scared, like for a second he was a kid again and he had gone back to that place where he had been when he was a child. “What can I do to make sure you’re okay?” She asked.

__

There was something in Ben’s brain that just shorted out when he had a panic attack, and he lost almost an hour of time by the time it was over. He just remembered the reason why it happened, and he felt so embarrassed. Somehow, Rey must’ve moved him to his bed. She wasn’t in the room with him and he wondered if he scared her off. He was too scared to check. Luckily, he didn’t have to get up. She knocked on the door softly before opening, “Ben? You awake?” He didn’t look at her. Focusing on a particular part of a pillow instead. “I’m going to tell Maz that I’m going to be late to my shift, okay?”

No.

He managed to sit up, even if it felt like it took every muscle in his body. _No. _He signed.

“No?”

_Don’t miss out on a shift because of me. _

_ _

“Ben? Remember when you took care of me for several months as I went through a depressive episode, drove me to work and to school, cooked me dinner every day for those several months. The rule is that we take care of each other.” Fuck. He was going to cry. He was really going to cry. “Unless—do you want me to leave?”

_Come back after your shift. I need a nap. _

“Okay, Ben.” She told him. “I’ll be back, but please if you need something text me. I’ll come running,” She came into the bedroom a little more, approaching him almost like a wounded animal. He wondered how much he had scared her. He needed to get up, to do stuff, but he couldn’t. He fell back asleep and the next thing he knew, Rey had come into his apartment with her key. She knocked on his bedroom door.

“Hey, sleepyhead.” She said. “I got take out.”

He shook his head. He was not hungry. “Ben, get up. You haven’t eaten since this morning, and I’m not going to have you get up tomorrow and faint because you don’t have any food in your system.” Ben didn’t tell her that he was used to that—that before he and Rey had even met—he wasn’t very good at taking care of himself.

What had changed when the two of them met?

He got up though, because he didn’t want her worrying about him. He put his feet on the floor and then felt his head spin. Shit. He sat back down on the bed. She left the door wide open but came to his side, “I’m going to make sure you don’t fall over, but I’m going to have to touch you, okay?” He wanted to tell her that just because he freaked out earlier, didn’t mean that she couldn’t touch him anymore.

But he realized as she helped him to the kitchen, it was probably a good thing that she had said something before putting her hand on his arm to help stabilize him. Rey had gotten Italian from one of his favorite restaurants that did deliver—because those were all that he at—and put out the baked ziti he always ordered for him to eat. _How much was dinner? _

_Don’t worry about it. _She signed back.

_I’ll pay you back. _

_Ben, seriously. Do not worry about it. _

_You didn’t have to spend money on me._

_I know that I’m poor but that doesn’t mean that one baked ziti is going to break the bank. Eat your food. _She could tell that he was starting to get irritated, even if she was trying to hide it. He decided it was best to just do what she said. He didn’t want to piss her off. He didn’t want to lose her. It took a minute for him to put the first bite of food in his mouth, but when he did he realized just how hungry he had been.

The food was gone in under ten minutes.

Rey smiled down at him, sitting on the opposite side of the table. She looked tired, and Ben wanted to ask her if she was okay and how her day had been, but she started. _Hey, we don’t have to talk about it now, but I want to know what you were thinking. Earlier. I want to know that you’re okay, okay? _

Earlier.

Yeah.

He really didn’t want to talk about that, but it was better to get it over with now than to dread the conversation going forward. _I’m sorry about that. _He signed back.

_Why? You didn’t do anything wrong._

_Embarrassing. _

_You have nothing to be embarrassed about. _He just blinked, because he didn’t know what to say. He had been so proud of himself for not breaking down constantly, for feeling like he was finally getting to a normal place. A place where he was almost ready to talk again. _I’m serious. _

_You wouldn’t understand. _

“Yeah, Ben. I do.” More blinking. “I don’t know exactly what you went through, but when I was in foster care, I got the shit beat out of me daily. It didn’t start to get better until I met Maz and Jyn. So I get—struggling with that sort of stuff and I get having panic attacks and episodes. You witnessed one of my episodes recently. Maybe we don’t share the exact same trauma, and maybe yours is a lot worse than mine but I can still understand and empathize with you a lot better than you think.” Fuck. That made him feel like shit.

_Trauma isn’t worse or less worse. It’s trauma_.

“Okay, sure. You’re avoiding telling me—are you okay?”

_I’m fine now. _He paused. _I haven’t told you everything about what happened to me. I don’t know if I can, but I want you to know. _

_You don’t have to tell me. It’s fine. _

_I want you to know. _He repeated. _I just don’t want you to look at me with pity in your eyes. _

_I won’t. _

He trusted her. He really did.

So he gave her his abuser’s name. Told her to Google him, then went back to lay down.

__

Rey felt her stomach drop when Ben went to bed. He kept the door open, but she could tell that he didn’t want to see her looking at that stuff. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in before looking Snoke up. She really wanted to vomit, but as soon as she saw what came up. That he had been arrested when Ben was a child for child molestation, abuse, and neglect. Rey nearly threw her phone across the room. She read through some articles.

Learned that he had gotten a surprisingly light sentence because Ben was the only kid that they had come forward. She found a picture of his mother crying. His father—which she had never seen before—holding her. Rey knew that Leia had not been the perfect mother, and it was clear that she hadn’t been there for him in a lot of aspects, but her heart went out to her right there. She read another article. More recent.

After Snoke had been let out, he went to abuse three more children before getting locked up again. This time, when he went to jail, someone had learned that he was a child molester and stabbed him to death in his cell. Thank god, that fucker was dead. Rey wanted to throw up though. She looked through the bedroom door and saw Ben laying on the bed. She told herself that she was not going to lose it in front of Ben right now.

She was not going to cry.

He needed her to be strong right now, so she was going to be strong. She gathered her thoughts and put her phone in her back pocket, silently padding into his room and getting on the other side of the bed. He wasn’t looking at her, but it didn’t take much for her to know that he was also trying not to cry.

“You’re the strongest man I know.” Was the first thing that she said. That’s what got him to turn around. He raised an eyebrow, and Rey knew that no one had ever told him that. She took a deep breath in and started to talk more, “You are the strongest man I know, and I can’t believe you went through that, and are still here today. That takes so much strength. I wish that I could have been there, that I could travel back in time and murder that bastard, but you have to realize that he did not win.”

He just blinked.

“I mean look at you, Ben. You’re here. You have me, you have Rose, Maz, and Jyn too. We all care about you. You’re an intelligent person. You’re kind. You’re generous. You have done things that you’ve been so scared to do all your life. You are so brave and fucking strong and I just really fucking love you. I really fucking love you. So much. And I am here for you.” He sniffed a little and wiped at his eyes, before grabbing her and pulling her lower into bed with him. He held up the blanket and let her get under it. She wasn’t surprised when he grabbed onto her like she was a lifeline. Or when he started softly snoring behind her.

She fell asleep shortly after him.


	14. this love is good, this love is great

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late valentine's day chapter, this is part one of two btw

Rey and Ben hadn’t had a break to just enjoy each other in weeks, and Rey hated it. She hated not being able to go home and enjoy Ben’s company between work and school. Maz could see it too, declaring that Rey wore her feelings on her face a lot of the time. That’s why she moved her shift around so she wouldn’t be working that day, even though Rey told her that wasn’t necessary. She told her to go have fun with her boyfriend, after all. She was only young once. “You’re being too nice to me,” Rey told her, “you’re going to make me cry.”

“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t cry. Just helping you get some action,”

“Maz!”

“I’m just joking, but seriously. It’ll be fine, you better have fun.”

“Right,” She told her, “I will.”

Rey was not the type of girl to make a big thing of Valentine’s day, especially because she had been single for all of them before this. But, she texted Ben because she wanted to know what Ben thought of this sort of thing.

**Rey: hey babe **

**Rey: what do you think about valentines day**

**Ben: I try not to**

**Ben: never spent it with somebody before**

**Rey: Well **

**Rey: I’m off on V-day**

**Rey: So should I come over?**

**Ben: that would be great**

**Ben: I miss you tbh**

**Rey: ;-;**

**Rey: wow, you’re such a bean**

**Ben: It’s boring here without you, too quiet**

**Rey: It’s too loud where I live **

**Ben: Having heard the sirens that go by your place I would agree**

**Rey: ha**

**Rey: I have some ideas for things that we could do**

**Rey: Can you do me a favor, babe? **

**Ben: sure**

**Rey: Get a bottle of sparkling apple cider, some extra pillows, and some laundry pins**

**Ben: what’s that for?**

**Rey: this is probably going to sound really silly **

**Rey: but I want to make a pillow fort**

**Rey: I saw it on Instagram and it looked really cute and I never got to when I was a kid**

**Ben: did you know I used to be a boyscout?**

**Rey: no**

**Ben: I know how to make some pretty neat pillow forts**

**Rey: :0**

**Rey: you’re the best boyfriend of the century,, I can’t wait**

**Ben: three days**

**Rey: three days ;-;**

**Rey: you should marry me so we don’t have to wait to see each other**

Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Rey put her phone down as she realized what she just said. God, she was an idiot. Before she panicked she looked back at her phone.

_Ben is typing… _

_Ben is typing… _

_Ben is typing… _

**Rey: just pretend I didn’t say that**

_Ben is typing… _

_Ben is typing… _

**Rey: It’s stupid. It’s just ever since I was a kid that was the one thing that I really dreamed about, getting married and having a kid, and if you don’t feel the same way, it’s fine and I won’t hold it against you **

**Ben: Rey**

**Rey: I’m serious, it’s fine. Just pretend I didn’t say that **

**Ben: rey**

**Ben: can you just calm down for a second**

**Ben: wanting to get married and wanting a kid isn’t stupid**

**Ben: I want to get married and to have a kid, I just gave up on it after all this stupid shit happened and I thought that I would never find anyone that would give me the time of day or wait for me to be ready**

**Rey: I’ll wait for you**

**Rey: When you’re ready**

**Rey: I’ll be there for you**

**__**

Ben feels his heart pounding in his chest as he reads the last three texts from Rey, and he knows he has to say it. He knows he has to tell her that he loves her, because he’s shown it through his actions, but he’s been avoiding saying it, up until this point. He wanted to be sure. He is now, it’s just his own damn nerves that were holding him back. And the want to—the want to talk to her in person. To have her hear with her own ears that he loved her with all of his heart.

**Rey: Ben? **

**Rey: are you okay**

It was then that Ben realized that he had been crying.

**Rey: I didn’t mean to freak you out**

**Ben: You didn’t **

**Ben: I just really want you to be here**

**Rey: I can come over rn if you want**

**Ben: no, you can’t right now. I have to get ready for Valentines day, I want it to be special**

**Rey: Ben!!!**

**Rey: Every day is special with you ;-; **

**Ben: I need this to be extra special, so pls just be patient sweetheart**

__

_2 days until Valentines Day_

Rey was making Ben a Valentine’s day card. She didn’t have that much money but she was resourceful. She took to making sketches of it in between serving people coffee. “Wow,” Rose said, “are you really spending this much time trying to figure out how to make Ben’s card? You know you could just buy one like a normal person.”

“Listen,” Rey told her, “I need this to be perfect.”

“Girl, you’ve got it bad.”

“I know,” She said, “I know. But I love him, and he’s there for me and he’s perfect.”

“I wasn’t saying that was a bad thing,” Rose patted her back, “but I think you need to realize that Ben will love literally everything you do. The way he looks at you when ever he’s around—what can I say—I was right?”

“Yes, you were.” She rolled her eyes. “Are you happy?”

“Yes, I am.” Rose said triumphantly.

“And when I’m at your wedding, you’ll credit me for you two getting together.”

“Haha.” Rey rolled her eyes. “Sure.”

“Ugh, you two are gonna have such cute kids. I can’t wait to be your godmother, fuck.”

__

** _From: [ben.solo@outlook.com](mailto:ben.solo@outlook.com)_ **

** **

** _To: [leia.organa@roglobal.net](mailto:leia.organa@roglobal.net)_ **

** **

** _Subject: Hello_ **

** **

_It’s been a long time since I’ve reached out to you but I wanted to let you know that I’m in a good frame of mind and I’m okay. I hope that you’re doing good. There are a lot of things that have happened to me for the better. I have a girlfriend, and I love her a lot. She taught me sign language and she’s taught me how to be strong. _

_I wish I could say that I’m in the frame of mind to meet up with you and introduce you to her, but I’m not quite there yet. I will be one day, but I’m still working on getting my life stable and being confident in things. I want my girlfriend to know you better, and I want you to be in my life again eventually._

_Right now, if you’re willing, I want to keep this as email correspondence only. _

_Also, I have some questions that I want to ask you. _

_Please respond when possible. _

It only took four minutes before Ben got a response from her.

**From: [leia.organa@roglobal.net](mailto:leia.organa@roglobal.net)**

**To: [ben.solo@outlook.com](mailto:ben.solo@outlook.com)**

**Subject: Re: Hello **

_Hello, Ben. Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m so glad that you did, and I understand that completely. I’m glad that everything is going good for you right now, that means the world to me. I would love to keep in contact with you in whatever means you feel comfortable. I shouldn’t have been trying to push it all these years. I should’ve just let you approach me when you’re ready. I love you, honey. And I will answer whatever questions you have. _

Ben was crying again.

He wanted to text Rey and tell her about it, but right now he needed his mother’s advice.

**From: [ben.solo@outlook.com](mailto:ben.solo@outlook.com)**

**To: [leia.organa@roglobal.net](mailto:leia.organa@roglobal.net)**

**Subject: Re: Re: Hello **

_I want to tell her that I love her. Out loud. It’s been so long since I’ve spoken I’m scared, but I want to tell her that I love her so bad and I want her to hear it. Do you have any advice? What should I do? _


	15. for those who are still healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote and rewrote and rewrote this chapter, and I know it's not going to be perfect but I hope that you love it. I love these babies.

Valentine’s Day came and Ben wasn’t sure if he was ready for the day, but he knew that he would have Rey all to himself and that was enough for him to get up. He had set everything up the night before, because he was scared and needed something to do with his hands. He’d made her a dessert, which he’d hoped that she wouldn’t find in the refrigerator until after dinner, which he had also premade. He had gotten the sparkling cider that she wanted as well, brought out his candle and lit them and waited until he got a text from her asking if he could come pick her up. His heart is practically jumping out of his chest when he drives to her apartment to come get her. When he gets out of the car and opens the door for her, it gets worse. He’s pretty sure that Rey is actively trying to kill him.

She’s wearing a sweater and got her hair done up in a messy bun that looks—artfully messy—if that’s possible, and she isn’t wearing much makeup but she’s never had to. She’s literally looked gorgeous in anything Ben’s ever seen her in. The first thing she does is hug him and then plant a little kiss on his cheek. “You look so good today,” She told him. He smiled, feeling brush rise to his cheeks and then the two of them got in the car. She pushed the bag that she had stuffed full of things into the back seat.

Rey had gotten good at telling when Ben was nervous, because she squeezed his hand and had this look on her face that told him that everything was okay, and Ben was reminded of just why he loved her so much. They got to his apartment and he felt this sort of weird in between of being extremely excited and extremely nervous.

Rey got out and grabbed her bag and started talking about how she was so excited for the rest of the day as the two of them walked up to Ben’s apartment. He just kept staring at her, wondering how she was real. She took out her key and opened the door, and Ben had to remind himself to pay attention to this. “Wow,” She whispered as she came in, bag in tow before setting it down. “Keep reminding me how much I love your apartment, why don’t you?” She looked around at the candles and the rest of his apartment. “God, I love you.”

She kissed him. Again. Ben couldn’t wait for more of that, and everything else. He couldn’t wait. “Are you okay?” She asked him.

He nodded, coughed a little and signed, ‘_I made dinner and dessert, just have to heat dinner up when you’re hungry.’ _

“Ugh—that sounds great.”

__

This was the first time that Rey had ever had a date for Valentine’s Day, and she wanted to make everything perfect. So that meant spending hours upon hours of slaving over a handmade card for Ben that also popped up and had some glitter as well. She may have gone a little overboard with how intricate the card was, but Ben only deserved the best, so he would only get the best. She could tell that he was nervous about today too, so she told herself that she was going to calm down, to try and get him to calm down.

The first thing the two of them did was pop out the sparkling apple cider, filling them up in mugs instead of fancy glasses because Ben didn’t drink either. They sipped at them in silence for a while before Ben signed, ‘_Did you bring stuff for the pillow fort?’ _

“In fact, I did.” Rey beamed and grabbed her bag, lightly set on top was the Valentine’s Day card that she was going to give him. “Also do you want this now, or later?”

‘_Later,’ _He signed, he was looking at her odd, and Rey didn’t know why. She didn’t question it though. She set the card aside.

“No peeking,” She told him. “I brought two extra blankets and some clothespins. Had to stuff them in here with my clothes.” She took out the blankets and clothespins and could see Ben smiling. “I have no idea how to do this sort of thing, so you’re going to have to show me how to do everything.” He nodded, and did exactly that. It was nice, the two of them working together to move furniture out of the way and Ben took all of his pillows and blankets out to help.

By the time it was done, they had a fort that could easily fit the both of them and one other person, complete with lights on the outside. Rey felt like she was more excited than she should be. “Holy shit, you were right. You make a badass pillow fort,” She immediately got in it, and Ben followed, laying down on the pillows and blankets that they had laid down. She giggled, scooting closer to him. She wondered if it was possible to say, “I love you,” too much but she did anyways.

At first, she just burrowed herself into him, but he smelled so good and the feeling of him being there made her feel like electricity was running through her veins. “This might sound stupid,” She said, “but I kind of made a Valentine’s Day playlist. Can I play it?” He nodded and she got out her phone, plugging in her earbuds and sharing him one. They got resituated so they could still cuddle while listening to music.

It was nice, and Rey felt like she could fall asleep like this. She had before, with him just being there. It made her feel safe, and that was—something. Something she felt like she would’ve never had with anyone else. She doesn’t feel like there’s anything that could mess this thing that was going on between the two of them up. She’ll wake up, and he’ll be there in the morning. He started stroking her hair right as Delicate by Taylor Swift started playing and she couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at that.

This was too good.

All of this was too good.

__

Ben really didn’t want to get up, but the two of them had to eat and he knew for a fact that Rey was starving by the way that her stomach emitted the loudest noise he had ever heard in his life. So, he took out the casserole that Rey loved so much and heated it up. Rey kept talking about how he was husband material and his cooking was the best thing ever, and Ben was blushing. Blushing and wanting more—more than anything—to tell her how much he loved her.

To say it out loud, but he had to wait. He was still building up his confidence to tell her what he wanted to say, what he had written down. Once they were done, they went back to the fort and laid down. “I’m glad I had today off,” Rey tells him. “This is definitely better than serving entitled hipsters coffee.”

Ben smiles a little. “Are you okay? You seem nervous?” Of course she can read everything on his face, she knows that something’s up.

‘_I’m okay, just don’t want this to end.’ _He told her. They ended up putting on Netflix and watching a few movies before Rey turned to him and asked if she could give him her card. He said yes, and she scurried out of the fort and got it. Meanwhile, the paper in his pocket seems to weigh a hundred pounds, and he thinks that maybe this might be the moment where he talks. He’s nervous—he’s pretty sure that he’ll never get rid of that feeling, but there’s something about the way that Rey’s so excited to show him her card that just solidifies it even more.

Ben had seen a little bit of the card earlier, but he hadn’t gotten to see it in it’s glory. Which—there was a lot of glory. “I kind of spent ten hours, trying to figure out what was the best thing to make, I ended up not really accounting for space to write something, but the sentiment is all there.” The card is a nice shade of scarlet, with a sort of 3D effect on the letters that say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’. There was a lot of glitter, but it looked like Rey had taken extra card to make sure that it didn’t get all over the card. He opened it to see a big heart and flowers pop up in the middle of the card and he can’t help but grin, because he had no idea how to do stuff like that and do it well, and it was just so pretty and so _Rey _that he wanted to keep it forever.

“Only the best card for the best boyfriend ever,” He felt like he was going to cry, but he couldn’t yet. They hugged. He wanted to marry her—like right now. Everything was perfect the way it was, with her in his arms, but he had to do something first.

‘_I have something for you,’ _He signed.

“You didn’t have to do that,” She tells him.

‘_I kind of do,’ _He told her, ‘_but I’m going to need you to do me a favor and face away from me okay?’ _

She gives him a look, obviously confused, but she does it anyways. Ben lets out a low shaky breath, and all of his positive thoughts and negative thoughts muddle into one and he feels like he just rode a rollercoaster even though he hasn’t done anything yet. He grabs the paper from his pocket with shaking hands. Lets out another breath, and then clears his throat. It’s like he can’t see anything else that goes on when he first speaks to her, his first words. He’s trying not to cry, not yet. “I-I wanted—” His voice is scratchy from disuse, even though he had warmed it up in those days that she wasn’t here, “—I wanted the f-first time to say I love you to be out loud.”

He stumbled over some of his words, stuttered. It was something that he used to kick himself for when he was a kid, but right now he was even shocked that he was doing this. “I love you.” The stuttering was still going to be there. It’s fine. It’s fine. He needs to say this, “T-there aren’t enough words to s-say how much you m-mean to me.” Here, he was starting to cry. He still couldn’t really see what he had written down. He was shaking a little bit. It’s then that Rey turned around and he can feel her holding him again. He’s shaking and she’s saying something that he can’t really hear. “Please don’t leave me,” He whispered. “P-please.”

__

When Rey hears his voice, there’s something in her chest that tightens, but also everything seems right. And she feels like she can’t remember a time where she didn’t have him in her life. He says I love you, and she starts to cry, and when turns around he’s crying. She held him against her, knowing that she had to speak, but it takes her a second. “I’m so proud of you,” She said. “I’m so fucking proud of you oh my god.”

“Please don’t leave,” He said, “P-please.” She squeezed him tighter.

“Ben? Ben, baby listen to me. Listen to me—” She pulled back to look him in his eyes for a minute, “I’m not going to leave you.” His eyes were so dark. Seeking and desperate. “I won’t leave you, I love you so much and I am so proud of you.” He nods and Rey signs, ‘_I love your voice. Thank you for sharing it with me.’ _

_‘I love you. Need time to talk more.’ _

“And that’s fine,” She told him. “That’s fine. I’m so fucking proud of you, and that—that was the best gift you could ever give me.”

He’s smiling softly again, letting out shaky breaths and not panicking.

_‘Had more written down,’ _

“You can tell me the other stuff later,” She said, “I think we need some dessert and then to cuddle more.”

‘_Sounds great.’ _

“Good. Can I kiss you?” He nods and she does. This time it’s deeper, something is different this time, a little more intimate. His hand is on her neck, massaging her nape and it’s almost as intense as last time before Rey comes up for air.

“I’m going to get that cake that you told me about,”


	16. progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short update, this chapter takes the span of a month and a half so

They were both in bed when Rey asks him a question. “Why did you ask me not to leave you earlier?” He’s holding her close, and he’s got his head in her shoulder when she says this. She can hear him sigh, softly.

“I-It’s st-tupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” She told him. “Nothing about your feelings is ever stupid, Ben.”

He’s silent for a moment before he said. “T-there are j-just things, h-he said.”

**_Things he said. _**Meaning Snoke.

Snoke was already dead, but Rey would kill that man ten times over if she could. Ben squeezed her tighter. “It’s b-been a long t-time, b-but sometimes—h-he’s still in my head. I-I got overwhelmed a-and started th-thinking about it again.”

“I’m never going to leave you. I have way too much love for you in my heart for that to ever happen, do you got that?” He nods, still burrowing his face into her. “Good,” She said, “because you’re my one and only. You’re it for me. I’m never going to love anyone else as much as I love you.” She said it like she was so sure, because she was.

She had never been more sure of anything in her life.

__

**From: [ben.solo@outlook.com](mailto:ben.solo@outlook.com)**

**To: [leia.organa@roglobal.net](mailto:leia.organa@roglobal.net)**

**Subject: Update**

_Dear Mom, _

_Thank you for emailing me. I wanted to say that I told her that I loved her, and everything’s going very well. She makes me so happy. I don’t remember the last time I smiled this much. I don’t know what I would do without her. _

_Anyways, enough of me ranting. I hope your week was good, and I hope to hear from you soon. _

_Ben. _

**__**

Talking was a slow and gradual thing. Ben still preferred to sign, and Rey didn’t make any complaints. He would kiss her a lot more, the look in his eyes when he looked at her was different. It was still love, but it was more intense than it had ever been before. He would tell her out loud, “I love you.” Before she left and before the two of them went to bed.

“I love you too.” Sometimes her cheeks would hurt so much from smiling, she had no idea life could feel this good. Work and school were going well, and then Ben asked the question one day. He was still quiet when he spoke, unsure of his stutter.

“H-hey. C-can I t-talk t-to you ab-bout something?”

“Sure,” Rey had sat down on the couch right next to him, feeling a little nervous. “What is it?” She could see him getting nervous, because he was balling his hands into fists and looked a little bit flustered. Rey didn’t push him to say anything until the time was right.

“I-I was w-wondering when your lease was up.”

Oh.

“In a month, why?” He looks at her, and she knows why. “Do you want me to move in?”

“O-only i-if you want.”

“I do want to,” Rey said, “this is also your apartment. Are you sure about that?” He signs again, this time instead of speaking.

_I hate it, when you’re not here. _

_I hate not having you to wake up to all the time. _

_I’m ready, if you are. _

“Okay then,” She said. “I’ll move in when my lease is up.”

__

**From: [leia.organa@roglobal.net](mailto:leia.organa@roglobal.net)**

**To: [ben.solo@outlook.com](mailto:ben.solo@outlook.com)**

**Subject: Re: Update**

_Dear Ben, _

_I am so glad that everything worked out well, and I am so glad that you’ve found someone in your life who makes you truly happy. _

_My week has been boring. Just work, nothing new. I love you, sweetie. I hope that you’re doing well right now. _

_Leia. _

__

Rey moved in, and it was the best thing that ever happened to Ben. She didn’t have much to bring into her apartment, but he made room for her in the second bedroom and they made it into a little office area, and then when they were done, they both crashed out on Ben’s bed. He held her in his arms and the two of them stayed like that for the longest time.

“I love you,” He says it again. More confident in himself this time.

“I love you too,” She said.

She glanced into his eyes and Ben saw it, there was something in his stomach that dropped as he thought, _I want to marry this girl. _“Are you okay, Ben?”

He nodded, “Happy.”

“Good.” She nuzzled back into him, pulling up the covers. “I’m tired, you better cuddle me.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He said. He wrapped his arms around her and noticed that it really didn’t take long for her breathing to slow and even out. Ben stayed awake a little bit longer before falling asleep himself. He could be content with this, forever.

Life with Rey moved in meant kissing her all the time. Meant he cooked for her while she studied, and that they watched movies together and every once and a while they would go on a walk together. Sometimes Rey would play music from her speaker and the two of them would slow dance together, other times they would play board games and sometimes Ben actually talked and was confident and more sure of himself as he spoke.

He would only ever speak to Rey, though. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to speak in front of anyone else, not just yet.

It was heavenly.

But there was something missing. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was yet. The days went by, and things were great. But there was something that he was wanting to do that he couldn’t put his finger on. And then one day they were sitting right next to each other, and Ben could feel that feeling—of being more than insanely attracted than Rey.

It was a feeling that had sent him into a panic attack, before. But now, it was calm. He trusted her, he could trust her. She had asked him what was bothering him one night when the both of them were in bed. He was silent for a long time, but eventually he said it.

“I-I..” He coughed a little, “I want to try to—to—have—” God why was he getting embarrassed? “I want to try to have sex with you.”


	17. your touch is like home, like paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter over and over again. I wanted the smut to be good but I also needed to make sure I approached this in a correct way. I also didn't want to make the smut too detailed because I don't think that it would fit the tone of this fic very well. I'm not very good at smut, so I hope this is okay and that you like it. Stay safe and stay at home folks.

The words echoed in her head for a minute and she stays still. When she realizes that she needs to say something, the first thing she asks Ben is, “Are you sure?” She turns so that she can see his face. He nods. “Okay,” She said. “That’s a big step,”

“I—I know,” He says, “d-don’t you think that i-it’s time?”

“If you think that it’s time, it’s time. But uh—we gotta get condoms before we do anything.” He nods. “Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.” He repeats.

Tomorrow.

__

Tomorrow comes and Ben’s still nervous. Rey had come home with groceries and kissed him on the cheek before doing some homework. She stopped during the middle of it to look up at Ben. “You’re stress cleaning again.” He nodded a little. “Are you sure that you want to do this later?”

“Yes,” He told her.

“A-are you sure t-that y-you want—”

“I do,” She said. She set her books to the side. “To be honest, I’ve been thinking about it all day. Being in bed with you,” Her pupils were wide and she was breathing heavily. “The things is I really love you and I just want to make sure that this is enjoyable for you and you don’t panic. So maybe we should talk about it first. What the things you’re comfortable with are. What you aren’t comfortable with.”

“T-the things is I-I don’t really know,”

“Okay,” Rey said. “I have an idea, how about tonight we just, touch each other? You know? No sex, just seeing what you’re comfortable with. And then we go from there.”

“I-that would be good.” He said. He was starting to calm down a little. “Yeah, that would be really good.”

“Good,” Rey said. “Now, I’m going to finish my homework. You should relax. Everything’s going to be fine, I mean it.”

__

Ben was grateful for his girlfriend. He would always be grateful for her. Something told him that not very many people would have taken his past into account like this, or had the patience that Rey had with him. It was endearing, how she looked at him before they turned out the lights and lay in bed. “You can touch me however you want to touch me.” She said. “I won’t touch you unless you tell me to,” He nods and they stay there for a minute.

Ben let out a shaky breath and then Rey turns around, and part of Ben thinks this is better. The other part wants to see her face. But he knows that he’ll be able to tell if she’s enjoying what he’s doing.

Rey has never been someone who’s not vocal about things.

__

Ben was very good with his hands. That was something that Rey learned fast. It started out with innocent touching, he pressed himself against her and just started to roam a little bit more of her, hands gentle as they grazed her bare skin. But then a hand found it’s way to her nipple, for a second tracing it lightly, then pinching it. Rey saw stars momentarily as he circled it between his rough fingers.

She couldn’t help but let out a little moan then. Ben pressed a small, chaste kiss into her neck, his hand dropping lazily from where it had been before. For a second she missed it, but he went back to tracing different parts of her skin, just very slowly getting introduced to it.

He let out a shaky breath, and Rey asked, “Are you okay?” She was a little out of breath too.

“Just c-can’t believe how beautiful you are,” He said. It took everything in Rey not to jump his bones right then and there. Just the _sound _of his voice sent a sensation straight down to her core and she realized just how wet she was right now.

“Can I touch—”

“Um, I’m not sure.”

“Okay,” She said, “okay. That’s fine.”

“Sorry,”

“Ben, remember what we said? I’m not going to force you to do anything that you’re not comfortable with. If you just want to do this right now, we can just do this.” He nodded again, but she could see some sadness and frustration in his eyes. “Hey, I love you. Okay?” He nodded again and went back to just exploring her body little by little.

They didn’t do anything that night, but Rey was fine with it. The next day she had a plan.

__

Ben and Rey had spent the next day just—together. With a little bit of wine in them. They watched a movie and then went back to the bedroom, and for a minute the two of them were silent when Rey said, “I really want to have sex with you.”

“I-I- so do I,” Ben was blushing really badly, even if Rey couldn’t see it because of the dim lights in his bedroom.

“So I was thinking, since me touching you could be a problem. What if you tie me up for the first time that we do this? You know, just so that you know that you have complete control, and that you’re safe, and so that you don’t have a panic attack? It won’t be anything kinky, I brought a tie and it’s in my purse if you want to use that.”

“I—” He was silent for a minute, “are you sure?”

“That’s the only reason that I suggest it, Ben.” Rey told him. “I wouldn’t be suggesting it if I wasn’t okay with it.” Ben nodded. That made sense.

“I-I think it could work,”

“Are you in the mood? Right now?” He nodded. He had been thinking about it for a while.

“Okay then, let me get the tie and the condoms.”

__

Rey watched Ben tie her up as gently as he possibly could, staring down at her. Pupils blown wide. “I love you,” She told him. “I love you so much,” He told her that she would probably need to tell him what to do, and she promised she would. Everything was slow at first, just starting with reassuring kisses and Ben taking off her underwear. She was already wet.

Rey told him to start with his fingers after seeing the size of him. He was big, and she definitely wasn’t used to that. So at first he started with one finger, sliding it in with fascination and bated breath. Then another. She gasped and wriggled a little bit, remembering just how long it had been since the last time that she had sex. This was already more than perfect.

He crooked his fingers, taking his thumb to rub on her clit. Something told her that she could cum just like that, but she held on, waited for Ben to enter her and fill her up. “Give me a second?” She breathed.

“A-are you o-kay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Yes. It’s just-big—_oh—_fuck. Start moving,” He did, grabbing onto her for purchase. His rhythm started out unsteady and unsure, not wanting to hurt her, but with a little more babbling encouragement from Rey, he picked up the speed, moaning a little as he watched her come undone underneath him.

The both of them came at the same time, Ben dropping off her and rolling to the side before remembering to untie her hands. He kissed her forehead, bare skin of his chest against hers for just a second. “That was so good,” Rey said, “so, so good. I’m so proud of you,” She kissed him back, and the two of them laid back on the bed.

Something told Rey that they were going to sleep well tonight.


End file.
